Monday, August 30, 2010

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I'm Okay, but You're Not, and You're a Piece of Shit, Too

I know I haven’t written lately. Not that anyone actually reads this blog, but I’m realizing some things about myself. I haven’t liked people for years, but more importantly, I don’t know how to handle the shittier ones. You know the ones—subtle put-downs, flat-out condescension, aim for your heart nasty remarks. I deal with that at one of my jobs. It gets kind of annoying, because of course, if I treated these people the same way they treat me, I’d be written up, or fired.
I never learned how to stand up for myself, or be assertive, without going all serial killer bitch on someone. I either get walked all over, or people threaten to call the cops on me. It’s never a happy medium. I’m shocked when people are rude to me. Then, while my jaw is still on the floor, these bitches/bastards walk away, leaving me to wonder what the hell just happened.
I’ve been getting annoyed at work, and I’ve been letting it show. The same story—having to do a task, but needing a co-worker to help me. Everyone is overworked, as it seems lately there is only one person in each department at almost any time. You’re lucky if you get an hour overlap, when there’s actually two people in a department. So of course I got yelled at for not getting something done, but I actually did need a co-worker to perform a very important task with me—had I not gotten this co-worker to help me out, and had I attempted to solve the problem on my own, I would have been fired. Too complicated to go into now, but trust me on this. Even though it was my department manager who got on my case, when I asked him for help, he refused.
I’m near the boiling point right now. I’m angry, frustrated, and just want to smack some people right now. My mouth has gotten me into trouble before, and I won’t be surprised if it happens again.
For several years, I hated men with a passion. I never dated. I want them to act the way I want them to act, but they are not wired to act that way. So if I want male companionship, I have to be okay with the fact they don’t really want ME, they just want my vagina and boobs. It’s getting so I’m really hating men again. And, like years ago, I’m having a hard time explaining it to people. Treat me with kindness and respect, okay? Only we are not living in a sane, rational, mannered world. Today’s culture and attitude makes me wish I had millions so I could run away. And I would, too. At this point, I don’t think it would be hard at all to just take off and really not see my friends again. Maybe that sounds harsh, but when your “friends” flat out put you down, say nasty things, make you look stupid for their amusement, you begin to wonder if human contact is worth the effort. Lately, for me, it’s not.