EdgeofGloria

An oldie but a goodie. We probably all need a laugh right now. I thought this was going to be a regular feature. I thought I'd critique dating site profiles. I was having fun with it, but then it seemed like the profiles were the same thing repeated over and over. Some were even stolen, as I'd seen the exact same words used by several different men.  Plus, I get bored extremely easily, which is another reason why I stopped doing them. Maybe I will look for some less mainstream dating sites, and start these back up again. This ran in January 2016, and I think it was the second post on this topic. Time for another installment of Creepy? Creepy How? A big thank you to fellow Bruin Tim S. for creating this hilarious (and horrifying) meme of Buffalo Bill paired with an actual excerpt from a guy's dating profile (typos and creepy vibe intact.) In case you are late to the show, I've been scanning through some dating profiles and laughing my as...

Gloria: Did you have any luck? Gloria : Of course not! Men hate me, remember? I ended up writing a column about it. My shitty/bizarre experiences with men are always fun to write about. Gloria: So would you write about a good experience with a guy? Gloria : I have, but the good dates aren’t funny enough. It’s really hard for me to make fun of an awesome guy, or an awesome dating experience because there’s no point. The awesome guys or dating experiences just aren’t funny. The disaster dates are so much fun to write about because they are laughable—well, unless you get raped. That’s not laughable. But the good dates…those are the ones you replay in your mind over and over… Gloria: Anything else? This interview is fucking LONG. Gloria : I’m not for the faint of heart. If you want a Stepford chick, good luck with that. I think I can do formal events, but at the same time, I like getting my hands dirty while planting a garden. I like dressing up at times, but I don’t con...

Gloria: What about feminist men? Gloria : As friends, they can be mellow to be with. As a dating situation, it’s kind of tough. What gets annoying is when they tell you, “you don’t have to wear makeup,” “you don’t have to dress up.” That is basically telling you what to do, which they can’t seem to understand. Shouldn’t it be about doing what I WANT to do? And if I want to dress up, it’s going to be for me. If you’re enjoying it, fine, but I’m not doing it for you. And dating a feminist man… I was friends with a feminist man, and it was fun, but he couldn’t understand why you can’t wear hiking boots with a dress on a job interview. Feminist men still don’t seem to understand that women are judged by their looks. If we don’t look like we’ve put a decent outfit together, it makes us look like we can’t dress appropriately for the situation. If all men were blind, we wouldn’t have this problem, but that’s not going to happen. As for dating a feminist man, I can’t imagine having him ...

Yes, I KNOW this is really long, but aren't you glad I broke it up into shorter segments? Because I didn't really want to leave anything out. I'm anal retentive like that. (But I'm not into anal--just thought I should make that clear.) Gloria: What about sex? Gloria: I like a cool bedroom for sleeping. I mean temperature-cool, not necessarily aesthetically cool. Gloria: That doesn’t have anything to do with sex. Gloria : We have to talk about this? Gloria: Well, your ideal guy will probably want sex. Gloria: I don’t want to go into too much detail. You know the kind of creeps I attract! Gloria: Give me something, at least. Gloria : Okay—no threesomes, no public sex and no fucking other women while we are together. Gloria: That’s it? Gloria: That’s all I’m telling you . I will save it for the guy if/when the appropriate time comes. But one thing he’ll never have to worry about is me cheating on him. I could be dropped butt-nak...

Gloria: Interests? Gloria : I have a wide variety of interests, and I expect my ideal guy to have a wide variety of interests as well. I’d like us to have a few things in common. I travel, I like all sorts of music, and I have a few hobbies. I read, I write, I take pictures, make videos, occasionally make music, crafts, I blog, make memes, jog, and I like to go swimming. I like to garden. I want cherry trees in my backyard. I love being able to go into my garden and pick a bunch of ripe tomatoes and eat them right then and there. He needs to appreciate the outdoors. Gloria: Let’s talk about religion. Gloria : I’m a lapsed Catholic. I think I have some sort of spirituality, and I think I am a believer in karma. I’m not about formal religion. I think nature is my church. I like looking at the sky. I like walking around in the woods. I like it when it snows. Getting with someone who is a born-again Christian would be a problem. We’d clash. Catholics get bad press because of t...

The second installment of a series.  Gloria: Yes, I wrote that down. How about personality? Gloria: That's a tough one. It's something guys can work on, which is great. He doesn't have to have the perfect body. God knows I don’t. But personality…well, that can be a huge deal breaker too. It can save the guy too, if he works on it. Gloria: Please explain. Gloria: Well, I have to feel comfortable with the guy. That’s probably one of the top things. If I don’t feel comfortable, that’s a problem. And there’s a subtle line to be walked between being acceptably flirty, and sexually flirty. And most guys fuck it up. I know you’re looking at my breasts, but you don’t have to announce it. If you compliment me on something else, that reduces the creep factor. Also, you need to talk to me. If I get the feeling you’re really interested in me, that scores huge bonus points. You could be the perfect guy for me physically. But if you are an arrogant asshole, I’m g...

Someone posted to their Facebook page a link to a Cosmopolitan magazine article about pick-up lines for women. They were for women to pick up men. They were funny, but very tacky. Or crass. Here they are: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/raunchy-pickup-lines-for-girls Nearly all of them have to with the sex act. And I realize how out of touch I am with the world. I don't belong. I don't belong. I'm not out for a quick fuck, which is part of the reason why I haven't dated in years. Because that's all it is . Instant fuck. Love 'em and leave 'em. I have to get to know a guy first. Or at least feel comfortable with them. And sometimes that takes a long time. But men don't have that kind of time. I guess I've always known that, and that's why I've never had a great dating career and probably why I will never be married. That's okay. I know what I want in a guy, and it's going to be very, VERY hard to find. There's...

I've just accepted the fact that if I am nice and courteous to a guy, he's going to want to fuck me,. It never seems to fail: you're nice to a guy, and automatically they are all like, "oh, she thinks I'm so fucking hot. She wants me. She wants me bad." VOMIT. Why do I think this? I posted a short erotic fiction story online, and one of my FORMER students thought it was about him. Like an idiot, we exchanged emails, and he got so hot and bothered, he said he needed to talk to me. Because I'm really naive and dumb, I thought he meant talk to me to vent about something I'm dealing with. He asked where the inspiration for the story came from, blah, blah, blah, and then he kinda asked in a roundabout way if he was the guy in the story. No. Not.At.All. So that made for an interesting pre-Valentine's day phone call. Poor guy. Hope he isn't too crushed.