I Finally Left Fort Wayne ...
Life has taught me that you shouldn't say "never", because "never" is a long time. And there's no gray area. But after nearly 52 years living in the same town, in the same house (no, I never moved out, not even for college) I finally moved out.
I always said I'd never move away for a job, because what if I hate the job? Well, I moved for a job. And I don't necessarily hate it--I've had worse jobs. I view it as a stepping stone to get where I want to be.
It's been a tough year, but moving away, far away, like to Xiamen, Fujian Province, China, has been good for me. Sure, there's been negative things. I always look for the negative, I am an eternal critic, always have been and I think always will be. Always--that's another word people need to be careful with.
Things just weren't going well for me in Fort Wayne. I felt that things wouldn't improve, so I figured I'd leave before things got worse. I was really down that I got my master's degree, but couldn't get a full-time teaching gig where I'd been teaching part-time since 2006. It's sort of like my history with men--couldn't I just, for once, find a guy that I'm attracted to, who is nice, who likes some of the same things that I like? NO. Couldn't I just, for once, find a job that I am good at, that I like, that pays decently? NO. Despite bailing out the department of the school where I taught after some issues with a permanent faculty member (who has since been fired) I wasn't offered a full-time job. It nearly killed me. Fall 2017 was one of the best semesters working there. I came in and diffused a problem situation, took control, and brought nearly all the students back to normal, and finished the semester. I got praise from them, which made me feel so good. Some were on the verge of dropping the class, but stuck it out, and were thankful. One of them actually said, after I'd taught a class for just 20 minutes, that she learned more in that short amount of time than she had the entire six weeks prior to that.
But no full-time job for you, Gloria. Thanks, and we'll see you next semester, that is, if we have any classes for you.
I couldn't wait around. So I focused on what I could do, and went international. I have no family, no kids, no husband, so why the hell not?
It hasn't been without problems. I was stressed out by so many things--working seven days a weekk for poverty level wages, taking two classes, teaching four, and getting paperwork together to come over here. That I did it without losing my mind is amazing to me.
I was let down by a business I trusted, but friends stepped in to help me. It's what I should have done in the first place.
Now that I'm gone, Fort Wayne seems very far away in the literal and figurative sense. I felt my life sucked there. It doesn't suck here. I'm working ONE job, for the first time in years. I've paid off three bills. I've put $400 toward property taxes. I live in a big (for me that is) city. I don't have five roommates. I look off the balcony of my 15th floor apartment and for a brief moment, I am Carrie Bradshaw without the designer clothes. I have my own little neighborhood chock full of fruit and veggie stores, lots of coffee/beer places, tons of restaurants, and a little yuppie grocery store.
I'm healthier than I have been. I've lost quite a bit of weight, due to food poisoning, and generally not being very hungry. The junk food here is unfamiliar and doesn't taste like home. The western goodies I can buy here aren't in abundance. There's no Panda Express, Taco Bell, Wendy's, or Chipotle. Lay's American Classic Potato Chips have a strange, rancid aftertaste and I haven't eaten them in months. The last time I munched through a small bag, I got up halfway through, and went to the bathroom, shat out a ton, and threw away the chips. The American food that DOES taste good requires getting on a bus during business hours. There's no heading out to the C-store for Lay's Barbecue (which tastes the way they should) at midnight. Same with Burger King. I have to hop on a bus and get there before 10 p.m. Either that, or get on my e-bike and brave the traffic (and the brazen anarchy of drivers here requires constant alertness as well as a zen-like coolness not to panic in an intersection when a bus is heading straight towards you) to satisfy my cravings.
I have time and money to enjoy a gym. But recently, I was able to take over a pool membership, which is going to be my spa, my retreat, my balm for terrible days. It has a lap pool, but also has tons of hydro-massage stations that stimulate every part of your body, as well as a hot tub. Funny, I'd been craving sitting in a hot tub (my bathroom just has a shower stall), and within three weeks of wanting to find a place to do just that, a co-worker sells me his pool membership, and it's within walking distance of my house. It is well worth the money, and I plan to continue the membership once it runs out. Since August, I've tried to swim a few dozen laps a week. I expect I will be swimming more since I can walk to a pool now. The gym worked, but this new place is a lot better. There's no mold on the ceiling above the pool. The dressing room is huge. So are the showers.
Conversely, I've been more sick here than I have at home. Mostly little things, but they have had an impact. Food poisoning. Every time I have it, I feel like I'm dying. I had a respiratory illness for a solid month. I currently have something going on with my sinuses, and I sound like the old guys who hock spit up on the street. I'm not sure if it's actual virus, or a result of the pollution here. It could be a work hazard. I work with little kids who literally get right in my face, germs and all. Adding to the problem is the general overall lack of hygiene and cleanliness here in China. Yes, you take your shoes off before going into someone's home (or the school I work for) but real cleaning, where bleach and detergents are used, doesn't seem to happen. That's why I haven't hired a cleaning lady. Yes, it's inexpensive, but as a control freak, I don't trust anyone. I was horrified when I saw the crap under my bed in my apartment, but plunged in and cleaned it myself. I took pictures and sent them to the landlord, and he suggested one of the maintenance staff members here clean it, but I didn't want to burden an elderly woman with moving my king-size bed, straight out of a 1970s porno, blue velour and all. I had trouble moving the thing (it takes up almost literally the entire front room) when I cleaned one Friday night. I was soaking with sweat and so tired, I literally had to rest every ten minutes or so. But the crap is gone. However, the fact the bed has only a half inch clearance from the floor makes it very hard to "just sweep" under the bed. It requires propping up the mattress (which weighs a ton) and sweeping what I can reach from where I am standing.
I've had to rely on my wits and my creativity in lots of situations, and I'm proud to say I've pulled through. Try returning sheets and getting your door lock replaced in a language that is completely foreign. I've studied Spanish, but Mandarin is nothing like any of the romance languages. I've learned a little Chinese, of course, but Xiamen has a dialect. Even when I think I'm saying it right, sometimes my message doesn't register.
I have stress here, but it's a different kind of stress.
Politically, I keep my mouth shut around the locals. It's not necessarily because of ignorance, or apathy. It's because I'm in a country where I can be deported for "political gossiping." It's very hard for outsiders to comprehend. I've tried explaining it, with little success. And no, I have no idea what the Chinese think of what's going on between the U.S. and Iran. I'm not about to ask. A few weeks ago, I asked my co-teacher about the social credit policy in China. She said she'd not heard of it. Chilling.
So it sucks that I had to go to an authoritarian country in order to improve my life, but I just consider it one more fucked up situation in a life of disappointment and confusion. I am extremely nostalgic for my childhood, because it was so good. Not perfect, but I did childhood well. I am an terrible adult. I still want to be taken care of. I never really wanted to grow up. At the age of 12, I realized that I didn't fit in with the world--that something was wrong with me. I never could put my finger on it, but I think maybe I have. Maybe part of that can be addressed. The other part, well, I'm not sure of.
So yeah, my credit rating is better, I'm thinner, my pants are falling off me and I've had to take them in, and I finished writing my second novel. All that within a year of getting off the plane early on a Thursday morning in Xiamen. It's truly amazing when you work ONE job, that pays enough for you to afford the basics, and a few goodies in the process. Life has gotten so much better, and I have goals and hopes for a better future. Except this time, it actually may be possible.
I always said I'd never move away for a job, because what if I hate the job? Well, I moved for a job. And I don't necessarily hate it--I've had worse jobs. I view it as a stepping stone to get where I want to be.
It's been a tough year, but moving away, far away, like to Xiamen, Fujian Province, China, has been good for me. Sure, there's been negative things. I always look for the negative, I am an eternal critic, always have been and I think always will be. Always--that's another word people need to be careful with.
Things just weren't going well for me in Fort Wayne. I felt that things wouldn't improve, so I figured I'd leave before things got worse. I was really down that I got my master's degree, but couldn't get a full-time teaching gig where I'd been teaching part-time since 2006. It's sort of like my history with men--couldn't I just, for once, find a guy that I'm attracted to, who is nice, who likes some of the same things that I like? NO. Couldn't I just, for once, find a job that I am good at, that I like, that pays decently? NO. Despite bailing out the department of the school where I taught after some issues with a permanent faculty member (who has since been fired) I wasn't offered a full-time job. It nearly killed me. Fall 2017 was one of the best semesters working there. I came in and diffused a problem situation, took control, and brought nearly all the students back to normal, and finished the semester. I got praise from them, which made me feel so good. Some were on the verge of dropping the class, but stuck it out, and were thankful. One of them actually said, after I'd taught a class for just 20 minutes, that she learned more in that short amount of time than she had the entire six weeks prior to that.
But no full-time job for you, Gloria. Thanks, and we'll see you next semester, that is, if we have any classes for you.
I couldn't wait around. So I focused on what I could do, and went international. I have no family, no kids, no husband, so why the hell not?
It hasn't been without problems. I was stressed out by so many things--working seven days a weekk for poverty level wages, taking two classes, teaching four, and getting paperwork together to come over here. That I did it without losing my mind is amazing to me.
I was let down by a business I trusted, but friends stepped in to help me. It's what I should have done in the first place.
Now that I'm gone, Fort Wayne seems very far away in the literal and figurative sense. I felt my life sucked there. It doesn't suck here. I'm working ONE job, for the first time in years. I've paid off three bills. I've put $400 toward property taxes. I live in a big (for me that is) city. I don't have five roommates. I look off the balcony of my 15th floor apartment and for a brief moment, I am Carrie Bradshaw without the designer clothes. I have my own little neighborhood chock full of fruit and veggie stores, lots of coffee/beer places, tons of restaurants, and a little yuppie grocery store.
I'm healthier than I have been. I've lost quite a bit of weight, due to food poisoning, and generally not being very hungry. The junk food here is unfamiliar and doesn't taste like home. The western goodies I can buy here aren't in abundance. There's no Panda Express, Taco Bell, Wendy's, or Chipotle. Lay's American Classic Potato Chips have a strange, rancid aftertaste and I haven't eaten them in months. The last time I munched through a small bag, I got up halfway through, and went to the bathroom, shat out a ton, and threw away the chips. The American food that DOES taste good requires getting on a bus during business hours. There's no heading out to the C-store for Lay's Barbecue (which tastes the way they should) at midnight. Same with Burger King. I have to hop on a bus and get there before 10 p.m. Either that, or get on my e-bike and brave the traffic (and the brazen anarchy of drivers here requires constant alertness as well as a zen-like coolness not to panic in an intersection when a bus is heading straight towards you) to satisfy my cravings.
I have time and money to enjoy a gym. But recently, I was able to take over a pool membership, which is going to be my spa, my retreat, my balm for terrible days. It has a lap pool, but also has tons of hydro-massage stations that stimulate every part of your body, as well as a hot tub. Funny, I'd been craving sitting in a hot tub (my bathroom just has a shower stall), and within three weeks of wanting to find a place to do just that, a co-worker sells me his pool membership, and it's within walking distance of my house. It is well worth the money, and I plan to continue the membership once it runs out. Since August, I've tried to swim a few dozen laps a week. I expect I will be swimming more since I can walk to a pool now. The gym worked, but this new place is a lot better. There's no mold on the ceiling above the pool. The dressing room is huge. So are the showers.
Conversely, I've been more sick here than I have at home. Mostly little things, but they have had an impact. Food poisoning. Every time I have it, I feel like I'm dying. I had a respiratory illness for a solid month. I currently have something going on with my sinuses, and I sound like the old guys who hock spit up on the street. I'm not sure if it's actual virus, or a result of the pollution here. It could be a work hazard. I work with little kids who literally get right in my face, germs and all. Adding to the problem is the general overall lack of hygiene and cleanliness here in China. Yes, you take your shoes off before going into someone's home (or the school I work for) but real cleaning, where bleach and detergents are used, doesn't seem to happen. That's why I haven't hired a cleaning lady. Yes, it's inexpensive, but as a control freak, I don't trust anyone. I was horrified when I saw the crap under my bed in my apartment, but plunged in and cleaned it myself. I took pictures and sent them to the landlord, and he suggested one of the maintenance staff members here clean it, but I didn't want to burden an elderly woman with moving my king-size bed, straight out of a 1970s porno, blue velour and all. I had trouble moving the thing (it takes up almost literally the entire front room) when I cleaned one Friday night. I was soaking with sweat and so tired, I literally had to rest every ten minutes or so. But the crap is gone. However, the fact the bed has only a half inch clearance from the floor makes it very hard to "just sweep" under the bed. It requires propping up the mattress (which weighs a ton) and sweeping what I can reach from where I am standing.
I've had to rely on my wits and my creativity in lots of situations, and I'm proud to say I've pulled through. Try returning sheets and getting your door lock replaced in a language that is completely foreign. I've studied Spanish, but Mandarin is nothing like any of the romance languages. I've learned a little Chinese, of course, but Xiamen has a dialect. Even when I think I'm saying it right, sometimes my message doesn't register.
I have stress here, but it's a different kind of stress.
Politically, I keep my mouth shut around the locals. It's not necessarily because of ignorance, or apathy. It's because I'm in a country where I can be deported for "political gossiping." It's very hard for outsiders to comprehend. I've tried explaining it, with little success. And no, I have no idea what the Chinese think of what's going on between the U.S. and Iran. I'm not about to ask. A few weeks ago, I asked my co-teacher about the social credit policy in China. She said she'd not heard of it. Chilling.
So it sucks that I had to go to an authoritarian country in order to improve my life, but I just consider it one more fucked up situation in a life of disappointment and confusion. I am extremely nostalgic for my childhood, because it was so good. Not perfect, but I did childhood well. I am an terrible adult. I still want to be taken care of. I never really wanted to grow up. At the age of 12, I realized that I didn't fit in with the world--that something was wrong with me. I never could put my finger on it, but I think maybe I have. Maybe part of that can be addressed. The other part, well, I'm not sure of.
So yeah, my credit rating is better, I'm thinner, my pants are falling off me and I've had to take them in, and I finished writing my second novel. All that within a year of getting off the plane early on a Thursday morning in Xiamen. It's truly amazing when you work ONE job, that pays enough for you to afford the basics, and a few goodies in the process. Life has gotten so much better, and I have goals and hopes for a better future. Except this time, it actually may be possible.
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