Sunday, June 19, 2016

The Start of the Dating Profile Critiques!

The Start of Another Regular Feature...Introducing... Creepy? Creepy How?

So I haven't posted any "Where Do You Meet These People" articles, because I haven't met anyone particularly weird/dangerous/homicidal or who has a felony recently. But I've been checking out an online dating site, and I've been laughing my ass off. I'm laughing at the hilarious/scary dating profiles. I've posted some of them on Facebook, and several people are enjoying them, as well as my snarky commentary. I think I will call it, "Creepy? Creepy How? This came from a former classmate who made a great meme of the last entry on this list (with a picture of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs) and made us all laugh at work. I'll see if I can get his permission to post it.

I won't bother posting the screen names or photos of these guys. The photos suck, for the most part. Poorly lit, blurry, lots of sunglasses action going on, lots of bro shots. Even some with kids and young women. And two of them, I swear to God, were actual pictures of women! This is all a no-no guys. And because I'm a bitch, picky, critical, AND an English major, I'm going to be as snarky as I want to be.

Enjoy!

I am a lover not a fighter and you will know this I will always have your back and know its forever with me.

This, from a man who is divorced. So much for “forever.”

looking for a laid back woman easy to talk to ,like to go on walk and ride bike ,some body that will help out with thing an enjoys a quit country night ,going to movie and a little cheap nice dinner??


I like to walk and “ride bike” but I won’t help out with “thing.” Because I am “bitch.” “Quit” country nights? Maybe. But “nice” dinners seldom come “cheap.”

I'm easy going and open minded, however have no interest in jumping out of a plane or climbing a mountain.

Guess he won’t be climbing MY mountains! LOL!

oh by the way this is my first computer and it is baddass as soon as I learn how to type with more than one finger

I don’t want to know which finger…

I'm single because relationships are important to me.

Um, I’m single because I’m NOT in a relationship.

im italian i have a big family 5 brothers and 3 sisters 3 are full the rest are half same mom different dads

So your mom spreads it like peanut butter? Classy!

I'm ready to find my sole mate

Really!??? Let’s go shoe shopping!!! Or did you want to go fishing?

To illustrate further my romantic and playful side, imagine this... After eating the dinner I prepared just for you, we decided to wash dishes and of course I volunteer to do the washing and let you dry. Knocking out a few of them, I decide you would look so cute with bubbles on your beautiful face and and so I dip my hand in the water to get good handful and blow... "Ahh, you look so cute!" I say while touching your face gently with both hands. "Oh yeah, your turn mister!" you say while retaliating. We continue to play back and forth until that very moment we decide a nice slow dance to your favorite song would be really nice. As we sway to the rhythm of the music, I look into your lovely eyes and sing with all my heart. It would be a moment to remember! (O.K. I am so doing this now... :-)

This isn't erotic fiction. It's erratic fiction!

So if you're not doing your hair this weekend or waiting for your nails to dry...give me a try...hurry and reply...I don't have much time...my sentencing trial is in July... (ok...it just rhymed)

One should NEVER write a poem joking about sentencing in a dating profile. I mean, holy fuck.


I am old school i open your doors, put your coat on and off. Love long hair and love to play in it so i can brush it.Will do your nails. Warm oil massage is my speciality. My little princess. Oh and you come first always. Must be loyal trusting love to cuttle be caressed touched kissed all over. Like short petite outdoor type more important above all is whats on the inside

Ew. Just ... ew.

Moar Dating Stuff Pleez

Time for another installment of Creepy? Creepy How?


A big thank you to fellow Bruin Tim S. for creating this hilarious (and horrifying) meme of Buffalo Bill paired with an actual excerpt from a guy's dating profile (typos and creepy vibe intact.)

In case you are late to the show, I've been scanning through some dating profiles and laughing my ass off. I've posted some excerpts on Facebook with my snarky commentary in boldface (because I'm a bitch) and the reaction has been extremely favorable. People are actually wondering if these profiles are for real, and they are. And the photos? Technically awful. Lots of sunglasses, hoods, hats, shade, back lit photos, and women cropped out of photos. Or not. 

So, here's a few more. I dare you to not laugh at these.


I HAD MY DAYS WITH THE LAW,, IM NOT A BAD PERSON,, JUST THOUGHT ID THROW IT OUT THERE,
So, cannibal, rapist, or serial killer? Or maybe it’s unlawful conduct with punctuation.

I’m looking to meet U, an almost voluptuously curvy
Almost voluptuously curvy??? WTF?

I like to be dominant when comes to sex, anything from just vanila to role playing ,tieing up, blind folding and some spanking, The lady always set the limits ofc
How about my limit being I never want to meet you? After all, this site is NOT Plenty to Fuck.com. Talk about TMI!!!

So I really had thought by this time in my life my inner child would have been tasered, Ha!
Why? Were you abused as a child?

You can sit on my lap anytime as I'm playful like that
So he’s into pole sitters??? HAHAHAHAHA!

it' has been hard since my only daughter went to sleep in the Lord 3 years ago,
If this is how Heaven works, I’m not sure I want to go there.

I like trying different types of food from American to Chinese to Sushi
So, basically, from American to Asian. Wow. So different. Many cuisine.



Boy I hate writing about myself
And I hate reading about you! Ba-dum crash!

There is no way for you to tell from this profile that I once had long hair and played guitar in a heavy metal band.
Um…didn’t you just fucking tell me that?

Ask me about the shark I once kicked.
I hope you kicked it because it was attacking you. If you just kicked it for fun, you’re into hurting animals. What’s next? People? Huh? Answer me, you potential murderer!

You see these pics and you can easily come to a view that I am some entitled yuppie
He works in finance/hedge funds. He’s so not a yuppie. I mean, yuppies work as fry cooks and deliver pizzas. And his pics? Looks like an aging frat boy. Be still my heart! Fuck off, yuppie.

More Dating Stuff!!!

My responses are in bold! Enjoy!

More Creepy? Creepy How??? Wacky Dating Profiles and my Snarky Responses to Them!

More dating profile nonsense! If you really enjoy these, check out the first book in my online dating series: I Care What I Look Like and So Should You: Narcissistic, Nutty and Just Plain Weird Dating Profiles and My Snarky Responses 



It's practically free, and if you have KindleUnlimited you can read it for FREE!!!!





Meme by Tim S.

Here are the winners for this week:

Package engineer. I'm the guy who made those annoying plastic packages you hate to open.
Oh, so YOU’RE the one! I’m coming after you, motherfucker!

nice cool guy to talk to get along with very sexual and very love to smoke weed never drink love hanging out with my son my son is 4 years ol exam for you is a good mom in his life what is cool I love to do a lot of things very adventurous I need a lady in my life that's the same way I would love to fall in love but that is not necessarily going to happen I want another baby hopefully a girl I'm on here looking for my future girlfriend wife baby mother 26 years old and I'm a Leo d

Very love to smoke weed??? Oh good God! Are you sure you are not Scumbag Steve???

Never meet anyone yet but let's c maybe you can help me beat boring life. I was never able to impress a woman, may be I am too boring
Dude, you have less game than I do! That’s impossible! (And kind of encouraging! Thanks!)

I am a car guy......i love to builld them and drive them.......currently own a twin turbo 94 caprice,93 camaro z28 and a 2004 subaru wrx wagon..........oh and if i ever get back around to finishing it a 1965 corvair monza. If any of this interests you i would love to hear from you !
Can you give me a car?

some one to have fun with, to have a real realationship with, play, laugh, and enjoy one other someon who would want to put everthing into life as good as possiblbe. i like to snuggle, dine out ,go moveis, barbaque on the deck, wook hard shop for nice things,, cruze the lake on a boat ,keep my house inside out. but most important thing would be sharing evering with you.

It says in his profile he can speak Spanish. WTF!??? He can’t spell in English! I bet the only Spanish he knows is “tacos” and “cerveza.” Or, as he might put “tahcose” and “servezza.” ¡Ay, dios mio!

Chivalry is not dead: I will hold car doors open for you and bring you flowers. I want to be your knight in "shinning aluminum foil!
Ugh, can you imagine the racket that would make? Also, someone wrapped in aluminum foil is going to remind me of a giant burrito. Now I’m hungry. Fuck you.

I have been allot of places have allot of experience,
Not with spelling, that’s for damn sure.

I moved to Raleigh from Canada for my dream job.
Good luck surviving in the United States of Itchy Trigger Finger America. Since you’re Canadian … Bonne chance de survivre dans les Etats- Unis d' Itchy Trigger Finger Amérique.

hello there. what should I say in here? something id like to do. maybe the Asheboro zoo. a day trip to the coast? where we can make a toast. to having fun. in the sun. maybe to the blueridge parkway we will escape for a day having a glass of wine. after we get there would be fine. or a beer at an Asheville pub. where we can grab some grub. a walk through the park. in the the dark dark dark. with only the star light. guiding us through the night. i would like to find someone. who will be my only one. i am a romantic. hope that aint problematic.
Way to go—using “aint’ in a crummy poem. Why didn’t you just shit all over it? Also, may the ghost of Robert Frost beat your ass.

would love to find someone who would want to be my partner in crime in such endeavors. I also love watching movies and making movies, so someone who loves movies is a major plus.
Annnd those movies he likes to make are probably porn movies. NEXT!

They say you are what you eat...well I don't remember eating a sexy beast.
Trust me—looking at his picture, he didn’t eat a sexy beast. He ate a bearded NC fan.

I have the Artist Temperment..I have A..D D ......easy going layed back...forgiveing..I like people ..I love trying new things,but I stick to what works also You could be a Business woman,Teacher,Beauty Awareness, Know your Bible Iam a born agian Christ folower or 35 years...iam not in to RELIGIN...!!!!!!...only a relationship with Christ. I studyed Theo/Philos ..in Collage and got A's/Bs...but I wont bore you with all of that .
Obviously, he never majored in spelling—or studied it. You beauty awareness employees out there, might be interested in this guy. As long as you’re interested in Jebus.

I'll try almost anything once except jumping out of a perfectly good airplane!
Dammit! I was hoping to cast him in my D.B. Cooper movie musical!

If you can "dance" in a club with me that is perfect.
And we all know that “dance” means grinding up on the guy like you are a total whore. I miss the 1950s.

If we are at the gun range I will grab your butt
And then I’ll shoot you.

Reruns! Reruns Everywhere!!!

I've told some of the young'uns at work about my blog, specifically the dating profiles, and they think it's hilarious. So to make it easy for their friends (and moms and dads) I'm reposting these.


It's a jungle out there, folks!






Creepy? Creepy How? 3-25-16



Meme by Tim S.





Enjoy each day with the beauty of my life and treat her as if she was the only one ever.........a natural beauty all that makeup is for the birds........
I’ve had cosmetic surgery, so I wonder how he feels about that. Plus, makeup is fucking awesome. NYX is my favorite brand now. Oh, go fuck yourself dude.

I hate winter and the cold.
And I’m okay with it, so, NEXT!

im 5o feeling good,loking for trusting partner to share life with,never tryed this befor ,been maired over 18 years and deivorsed 3years,trust is a bigg part of a good thing..............................
Y U no can spell?

It's hard to be shy in a city full of beautiful women.
Dude’s from Fort Wayne. I wouldn’t describe this town as full of beautiful women, but I will say the women DO look better than the men. And aren’t some men intimidated by beautiful women??? Yet this dude is single. Huh.

I love fires and the lake!
The lake, the lake, the lake is on fire….whoops, wrong song.

My confidence can be low at times, but I try to be as confidence as I can when it comes down to the important things.
I’m confidence that you don’t know how to write with confident.

Please do not message me if you believe homosexuality is a sin, hate Patrick Swayze, find no joy in life, or enjoy doing Meth. Thank you!
Sheesh! Picky much?

I would like to write something later. not feeling well
Not sure being on a dating site will make you feel better.

Honest dependable with a touch of ornyness to keep it fun.
Most men have a touch of “orny.” I think what you mean is “ornery.” But you can’t spell, so take your “ornyness” and “orneriness” somewhere else.

She needs to be emotionally stable
Emotionally stable women are boring. Men say they want this, then complain when the relationship gets boring. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the waffles are talking to me and the walls are bleeding.

I am in the process of moving, and currently am "between jobs", so a first date would not be a surf-n-turf dinner.
Darn. I suppose Taco Bell or Rally’s is more in his budget, but both of them will make me shit.

I think it's a shame that I have to put this on here. I know that men ask for sex all the time. Not all men want sex right away. Please don't think me asking you to go somewhere or come over for a cookout means I want sex. There are still men out there that have morals and respect for women.
Yes, he mentioned sex three times while claiming that he doesn’t want sex right away. You want sex. It’s pretty obvious.

values the things in life money can't buy.
I value the things in life that money CAN buy. So, next!

I do not watch the news on television, I do not listen to public radio stations and I do not read the newspaper.
Hey, there’s a current events trivia night at—oh fuck it.

blue eyes red hair I want beautifu loving intelligent smar the monster before the final pedestal and treat you like a queen t l and be spoile I love for who she is not what she is she's really happy d
‘Fridge poetry can be fun … sometimes. Smar that monster! Smar it!

The comfort of knowing that, no matter what, there is a constant, permanent person in your life.
Until you get divorced, like this guy is.

Camping is one of our favorite things to do(in a camper of course!).
Wuss.

oh ya guns I like guns and shooting guns very relaxing
This is scary. Although if I shot some assholes, I’m sure I’d be relaxed too.

I have been married twice and now it is time to try something new and different.
Like maybe making better choices when it comes to partners?

I am boring and adventurous!
I am both fat and skinny!

I am a duck dynasty kind of guy, I have the same kind of sense of humor and grew up in the same background.
Being a redneck really isn’t something to be proud of, but you do you.

must be employed or in between jobs
So, must be employed or unemployed. I don’t think this guy knows what he’s talking about.

Please no more hookup offers.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Hello, it's Me ....

Been giving myself and my yard some TLC. I feel better and the yards look better.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Mini Movie Monday! And my birthday!!!

Another video from Hush. Asher Perkins was there, but I don't know who the light twirler was.

I didn't really have any expectations for my birthday. I knew I was going to a burlesque show later on, but that was it. Turns out I wasn't even on the schedule for work, but they gave me hours anyway. Yes, you read that right. I had the day off, but I came into work.

I brought cake, and had "Happy Birthday" sung to me twice. The funny version was the one with the "cha cha cha" thrown in. It was hilarious! The cake was awesome, too!

I went to Bandido's for $8 off my birthday meal. I sat in the bar, and I got to watch the Kentucky Derby. I feel guilty about watching the race. There used to be a time where I would watch the race and get very upset if I had to work on that day, but this year, it kind of crept up on me. I missed all three Triple Crown races last year, the first TC winner in like 32 years or something. My television at home is analog, and I've burned through three of those digital tuner boxes, so I'm not buying another one. I haven't watched regular television at home for years now. I was hungry and wanted to eat right away, and it was around 5:30 p.m., so I got to sit in the bar and realized the race was about to start. My horse didn't win, but the guy sitting behind me won a box trifecta

So I went home to change before the show. I met up with my friends at Calhoun Soups, Salads and Spirits for the Fort Wayne Bombshells show. I didn't know exactly what to expect. The place was packed. It was a great time. Like tasteful striptease. I think one of the most fun aspects was the audience lip-sync contest. At first, they all were dancing, not lip-syncing. But it was hilarious, and the emcee did a really good job. It was a great production.

My friends wanted to try absinthe, but because the bartender was hearing-impaired, my friend ended up with a PBR. I wasn't about to try that. So she gave up and started talking with a friend at the bar. Then, Aly and Jade decided to leave, and I was going to go too, but wonder of wonders, their friend wanted to talk to me. So I spent a few minutes talking to a very nice young man. 

But I wasn't done yet. I didn't want to go home, so I headed over to Hush. I actually danced in public and had a great time. I would have stayed longer, but I've been struggling with hives the past three weeks or so. I think it's a food allergy, but I'm not sure what I'm allergic to. So, I've been experimenting with food and today I started keeping a diary. The hives were wicked Saturday night though, and I'm not sure if it was because I was sweaty, or if the tortilla chips I consumed earlier. (I think I'm allergic to starch.) I was starting to become miserable, and as I drove to the grocery store, I could feel my face getting hot. I got some lotion.

Despite the hives, it was the best birthday I'd had in years. Lots of laughter, friends, fun, cake, entertainment, and shedding my inhibitions about dancing in public. Here's a pic of the cool stuff I got:


I do think it's funny, too, that despite being almost twice the age of the friends I went to the show with, they didn't want to go somewhere else and get a drink or dance or whatever. But I'm glad I went back to Hush. I love it.

And now you know all about my birthday ...


Monday, May 2, 2016

Mini Movie Monday! It's Original! It's Bernie!

Here's some excerpts from the Sanders rally here in Fort Wayne, Indiana, at IPFW. Standing room only!