Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Another Installment of Dream Dude! (In which Gloria talks about feminist men, smoking, drinking and politics)

Gloria: What about feminist men?
Gloria: As friends, they can be mellow to be with. As a dating situation, it’s kind of tough. What gets annoying is when they tell you, “you don’t have to wear makeup,” “you don’t have to dress up.” That is basically telling you what to do, which they can’t seem to understand. Shouldn’t it be about doing what I WANT to do? And if I want to dress up, it’s going to be for me. If you’re enjoying it, fine, but I’m not doing it for you.

And dating a feminist man… I was friends with a feminist man, and it was fun, but he couldn’t understand why you can’t wear hiking boots with a dress on a job interview. Feminist men still don’t seem to understand that women are judged by their looks. If we don’t look like we’ve put a decent outfit together, it makes us look like we can’t dress appropriately for the situation. If all men were blind, we wouldn’t have this problem, but that’s not going to happen. As for dating a feminist man, I can’t imagine having him ask me, “is it okay if I hold your hand?” “Is it okay if I put my arm around you?” “Is it okay if I kiss you?” Yawn. If the guy is perceptive enough, he’s going to know if it’s okay. If we’re walking, and there’s five feet of space between us and I’m constantly veering away from you, that’s a pretty good sign that I don’t want you to touch me.

Gloria: What about smoking and drinking?
Gloria: Non-smoker. If he drinks a little, that’s okay. But if he drinks to get trashed, or is out drinking every weekend, that’s going to be an issue. Depression I can understand, but alcoholism, no.

Gloria: Politics?

Gloria: I’m progressive, so he should be progressive too, or else we’re going to be doing a whole lot of yelling. 

Monday, February 8, 2016

Mini Movie Monday!

This isn't an original video from me, but it's certainly ... original. I found this video while searching for "A Furry Rebirthing", which was excerpted in Everything Wrong With YouTube, from the BrandSins channel. I guess I'm fascinated with people's freakdom, and I know a little bit about the furry community. But not much. Anyway,  this is from beeblefoxx, who made the "A Furry Rebirthing" video. Titled, "Unboxing My New Daughter", it's listed as "comedy" but there's very little that's funny about this video, which kind of shows how weird people can be, and the attachments they make to certain items. This video is disturbing to me. Everything from the guy's trembly, effeminate voice, to the mannequin itself, to the end, where beeblefoxx breaks down crying, while popping open a soda. Well, that part is kinda funny I guess. Who the fuck Jimmy is, I have no idea.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Hey! It's another installment of Creepy? Creepy How???

Meme by Tim S.
I'm having a blast making fun of ridiculous dating profiles. And from the looks of my stats, people are digging them. So here are some more from the interwebs. My snarky comments are in boldface.

am intelligent, bright and quit-witted guy
Because being “quick-witted” is just so overrated.

Qualities I love about my Wife
So why does it say “divorced” in your dating profile? Did she help you compile the list of the qualities you love about her?

Old women adore me.
Yup, that is the NUMBER ONE quality men brag about! Come here, grandma! You are looking HOT today!

My medication cabinet consists of Motrin, vitamins, and some random crap. (still wondering how stool softeners got in there.)
Dude, I know EXACTLY how that butt plug got into MY medicine cabinet!

i am also a bad boy, so your secrets are my secrets. i am fully experienced in full body massages and mine are free the first time
So I have to tell you where I buried the bodies? Uh, no thanks. And if I have to pay you to massage me, it looks like you are looking for clients, and you are NOT supposed to solicit on these sites!

Well, I actually AM a fart smeller
That’s great, because I was really wondering about that. I’m so glad I know.

I’ve been told my smile lights up a room
Then why are scowling in your profile picture?

I have been in the restaurant business for over 20 years and 14 years as a General Manager. I have worked in Private Country Clubs, Black Angus and Buffalo Wild Wings. My current restaurant is extremely busy. We are #3 in sales out of 1,100 locations. I have 115 employees working for me so I have 115 personalities I deal with everyday.
This isn’t a dating profile—it’s a fucking résumé!!!

Love my older kids
Does this mean you hate the younger ones???

*sigh*200 characters is way too much)
So I take it you won’t be participating in NaNoWriMo???

Intellect is a turn on. I've long been fascinated with neutrinos and dark matter/energy blah blah blah.
Then why do you use non-intellectual talk?

You won't find me at the bars or trying the latest pick-up line (because nothing beats "hubba hubba"
Wrong. Nothing beats, “Hey sweetie, I love to shop, and I love it when you spend my money. And you don’t even have to give me blowjobs!”

I am an artist and was a ballerina so I love to dance.
Hold me closer, tiny dancer?

My daughters are my soul however just as I'm typing this my youngest just fell off the bed for no reason whatsoever!!
Wow, top-notch fathering skills! Served with a side of skull fracture!

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

More Dream Dude! The SEX part!!! (Part one of several)

Yes, I KNOW this is really long, but aren't you glad I broke it up into shorter segments? Because I didn't really want to leave anything out. I'm anal retentive like that. (But I'm not into anal--just thought I should make that clear.)

Gloria: What about sex?
Gloria:I like a cool bedroom for sleeping. I mean temperature-cool, not necessarily aesthetically cool.

Gloria: That doesn’t have anything to do with sex.
Gloria: We have to talk about this?

Gloria: Well, your ideal guy will probably want sex.
Gloria: I don’t want to go into too much detail. You know the kind of creeps I attract!

Gloria: Give me something, at least.
Gloria: Okay—no threesomes, no public sex and no fucking other women while we are together.

Gloria: That’s it?
Gloria: That’s all I’m telling you. I will save it for the guy if/when the appropriate time comes. But one thing he’ll never have to worry about is me cheating on him. I could be dropped butt-naked on an island full of men and he wouldn’t have to worry that I’d want to have sex with anyone. I could be with my guy in a room full of men I think are totally hot, but I wouldn’t want to be with them. I’d just want to be with my guy. I couldn’t live with the guilt. Plus, men hate me. It’s impossible to cheat on someone if the entire opposite sex hates them. Besides, if he is my ideal guy, why would I want anyone else? Oh, something else I thought of.

Gloria: Yes?

Gloria: I know that guys are all about the sex, but there’s something else that just ramps the creep factor up. I’ve seen some of the texts my friends have gotten, and there is nothing more disgusting than reading about what some guy wants to do sexually. It’s usually worded in an incredibly vulgar way. I’ve had someone on Facebook comment on my posts, and it’s usually some over the top sexual reference. He offered to make a porno with me. I’ll never date this guy. Never. If I think you are some drooling pervert, forget it. You’re done. I get the fact you’re a guy and you think about sex 24/7. But you don’t have to keep reminding me of it. We both know you want sex. There’s a way to communicate to a woman that you are seriously interested in having sex with her without coming across as icky or date-rapey. A lot of men don’t know how to do that. Whatever happened to guys being “smooth” or “suave”? It’s like the men today have bachelor’s degrees in drooling perversion or something. Criminy dutch!****

****Google it!

Monday, February 1, 2016

Mini Movie Monday!

Sometimes I look at stuff and think they look like things that are totally not what they appear to be. What do I think this looks like? You'll never guess...and yes, I guess I have a dirty mind.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Time for another installment of Creepy? Creepy How?

A big thank you to fellow Bruin Tim S. for creating this hilarious (and horrifying) meme of Buffalo Bill paired with an actual excerpt from a guy's dating profile (typos and creepy vibe intact.)

In case you are late to the show, I've been scanning through some dating profiles and laughing my ass off. I've posted some excerpts on Facebook with my snarky commentary in boldface (because I'm a bitch) and the reaction has been extremely favorable. People are actually wondering if these profiles are for real, and they are. And the photos? Technically awful. Lots of sunglasses, hoods, hats, shade, back lit photos, and women cropped out of photos. Or not. 

So, here's a few more. I dare you to not laugh at these.

So, cannibal, rapist, or serial killer? Or maybe it’s unlawful conduct with punctuation.

I’m looking to meet U, an almost voluptuously curvy
Almost voluptuously curvy??? WTF?

I like to be dominant when comes to sex, anything from just vanila to role playing ,tieing up, blind folding and some spanking, The lady always set the limits ofc
How about my limit being I never want to meet you? After all, this site is NOT Plenty to Fuck.com. Talk about TMI!!!

So I really had thought by this time in my life my inner child would have been tasered, Ha!
Why? Were you abused as a child?

You can sit on my lap anytime as I'm playful like that
So he’s into pole sitters??? HAHAHAHAHA!

it' has been hard since my only daughter went to sleep in the Lord 3 years ago,
If this is how Heaven works, I’m not sure I want to go there.

I like trying different types of food from American to Chinese to Sushi
So, basically, from American to Asian. Wow. So different. Many cuisine.

Boy I hate writing about myself
And I hate reading about you! Ba-dum crash!

There is no way for you to tell from this profile that I once had long hair and played guitar in a heavy metal band.
Um…didn’t you just fucking tell me that?

Ask me about the shark I once kicked.
I hope you kicked it because it was attacking you. If you just kicked it for fun, you’re into hurting animals. What’s next? People? Huh? Answer me, you potential murderer!

You see these pics and you can easily come to a view that I am some entitled yuppie
He works in finance/hedge funds. He’s so not a yuppie. I mean, yuppies work as fry cooks and deliver pizzas. And his pics? Looks like an aging frat boy. Be still my heart! Fuck off, yuppie.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm....

I always wonder about people who are divorcing after 20, 25 years of marriage, and a month after they announce they are getting a divorce, one of them has a new significant other. Was that other person in the wings all this time, or did the divorced person go to Rebounds R Us?