Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Feeling ...

A little bit better. My school projects were glanced at by one of my instructors, and she says I'm on the right track. So that's good news.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

A Weird Sort of Feeling...

I've been depressed lately, and self-medicating with food, which isn't helping. I can feel my left knee hurting a bit, which is a good sign that I've gained some weight. Also, the food just doesn't taste as good as I thought it would. And needing to be near a toilet when I gorge myself on a huge meal (because I usually eat greasy food) is not too cool. Because, when I gotta go, I GOTTA GO.

So, I'm on a juice fast again. I'm hoping I can eventually break through this plateau and get to my goal weight. It's more than I should actually weigh, but I don't think I'll see 120 pounds ever again. If I do, it's because I've won the lottery and I can spend 4-6 hours a day exercising, because I'll have time to do that sort of workout.

I've been avoiding schoolwork. I have some stuff I should read, and I'm a bit behind on it, but I don't think it's anything I can't conquer. I'm still worried about my major writing projects, except for my teaching portfolio. I figure I can throw just about everything I use in class in it, and I'll be done, except for the annotated bibliography, which seems ridiculous, but whatever. I actually have some time off from class so I can maybe work a bit on these projects and they won't seem so overwhelming.

I'm really hoping that by going back on the juice fast and ramping up the exercising a bit will help me break out of this funk. Even though I'm not scraping by as bad as I used to be, I've realized that even feeling sort of comfortable financially is not enough to help my depression. I really do think I could win the Powerball for some crazy huge amount, and still struggle with feeling sad, although I do think I wouldn't feel as sad so often!

But daily life seems a bit dull. I've been having some wacky dreams lately, which is a sure sign that I'm bored with the day-to-day stuff. I've decided not to worry so much about school. If I get a C in a class, I can always take another class and get an A in it, so it will balance out. I can also think about working more, once I have a few more classes under my belt, and maybe take one class a semester, and not borrow so much money. I should also do more scholarship hunting as well. So things are not so dire at the moment, but that doesn't mean I don't think about the past and think too much about things.

I still feel like there's a lot left for me, but sometimes I think it's all done for me as well. I'm not a kid, yet there are experiences I'll never have. I'll still be a bit "off" from the rest of humanity when it comes to certain things. I don't want to go into them right now, but part of me yearns for something I don't think I can have (but a part of me thinks I do deserve it). Another part of me thinks it's done in a lot of ways. Game over. I hope not, but I guess if I can accomplish things on a certain level, then it's all good.

Shit. This is way more than I planned on writing. Keeping up this blog is sort of tiring, because I have plenty I COULD write about, but I don't feel like sharing. Some of it is too embarrassing and pathetic. So, I put some of it into my critical autobiography for my paper. By God, if that paper only gets a B (I had a B- on my first effort) I'm going to start drinking.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


I forgot to post earlier. I try to keep this updated on Tuesday and Saturday, but I haven't done anything fun lately, and I've been kind of depressed and frustrated. Working hard on a writing portfolio for class and sweating about my papers, one of which I re-did because I couldn't stand the thought of getting a B minus.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Grad School

Is not what I expected. Feeling foolish and lonely and pretty much wondering why I fucking bothered. I've not learned a single thing in eight weeks that will help me with teaching. That flushing sound is what two grand sounds like going down the toilet...

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

This Insomnia is Bullshit

Didn't get to sleep until after 7 a.m. this morning. Planning to go to bed soon, because tomorrow's day is LOADED.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Wish I ...

Could have gone to Cedar Point todsy instead of last Saturday.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

This Mood ...

Is not lifting and I'm feeling worse. I'm terrified I'm going to really screw up school. I worked and worked on a paper and I'm getting a B-. A B-! Don't think I've EVER had a B- English paper at the college level. Bear in mind, B- is equal to failure at the level where I am.

On the positive side, I guess a B- is a good grade considering I had no idea what I was doing for the assignment ...

Friday, October 3, 2014

The Bad Feeling ...

Has sort of ebbed away. I'm still a bit angry, but resigned.