Sunday, December 30, 2012

Time Off

It's been a bit strange the last couple of weeks--I've had quite a bit of time off, which is very nice. I've been doing some cleaning and some painting. The amount of crap in this house is astounding. There's stuff I'm not sure what to do with which is taking up space. I was able to get rid of some stuff, and hopefully I'l get some money for it. I took pictures of an old sewing machine I got off the curb, and took pictures of it. An antiques dealer estimated it would be worth around $75. So I guess I'll post it on eBay and see what happens.

I've been sleeping a lot and spending time relaxing. I've also spent time promoting one of my books, and I've gotten some good feedback on it, which is encouraging.

I wish I had a bit more money--I'd probably go to a few movies if I did, or take a day trip to Chicago. It's been over six years since I've been there.

So yeah, time off. I've been getting stuff done and getting rid of stuff. But it's also been strange. Lots of time for introspection. Lots of time to think about the past. I'm really kind of sick of looking back at the past and thinking the future is not going to get any better. I'd give anything to have my mom back, because when she died, my life got so much worse. All the problems in the world came to me when my mom left. It's been eight years, but it's time for things to get better. Past time, I think.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I don't like narcissists--and they don't like me

At one of my jobs, a co-worker mentioned an incident about another co-worker. The store is selling a collection of nine picture frames in one box. A co-worker was trying to sell them, and told another employee that he should buy them. Immediately, he replied "but I don't have nine pictures of myself to put in frames to hang up in my house." We all kind of chuckled, because it was a typical comment from this person, but the fact that it was the first thing he said, without even thinking about it, was funny.

Don't get me wrong. I think self-esteem is important, but I'm getting tired of ordinary people going on and on about how fabulous they are. I've worked with this particular co-worker before, and in the four years I've worked there, I don't think this guy has said a hundred words to me. He doesn't like me. I am not sure why, but I'm tired of wasting time on people, men especially, who don't like me. I was minding my own business in class, and got hit over the head with an English workbook by some classmate. As a child, I was just around the corner from my house when a bully was upset about the way I looked. (He said I looked Chinese.) I was afraid and ran off, and he nailed me in the heel with a rock. It broke a bone. We couldn't track down the bully. I remember that my friend had wanted me to come to her house, but also wanted me to take some of my toys with me. I really didn't want to do that, and I'm so glad I refused. I'm sure those toys would have disappeared forever. The doll she wanted me to take is still in my room, in a chair. Safe.

So when it comes to people, men especially, I'm not thrilled to be around them. And I dispensed with an acquaintance who is an over the top, extreme, full-blown narcissist. I didn't kill her, but she had pushed me way too far. Every time all of us got together, she would always, ALWAYS have some sort of nasty, condescending remark for me. She was too chicken to ever confront me privately, with her, she always needed an audience. So, when she posted something nasty on my Facebook page, I got back at her. I posted something on HER Facebook page, plus I called her up, and told her I was sick of her shit. Of course, she unfriended me, and some of her friends unfriended me. As a result, I don't see the people in that group anymore. One died before I ever saw him again.

I tried asking people close to this person what was going on with her. I never really got any answers. I guess I should have just asked why on earth this woman was such a narcissistic bitch. But it was obvious. She weighs over 300 pounds, and after watching a close friend die a slow death from complications of obesity, she's now saving up for bariatric surgery. She thought she was going to get it, and on the advice of her doctors, indulged in all the food she can't have once she's had the surgery. Of course, she's gained even more weight. If she does have this surgery, she will be insufferable. But even if she does have the surgery, I think she will continue eating garbage and complications will ensue. Either way, she's fucked. She's huge now, and after the surgery, she'll continue to eat the way she's eating now. That kind of surgery can help, but people think it's a cure all. Pop a pill, have surgery, it's so much easier than exercising and eating properly.

This woman thinks she's unbelievably attractive, and it's so funny and pathetic. While I was still Facebook friends with her (we were NEVER friends in the real sense) I checked out her photos, and there was picture after picture after picture of her face. And it seemed like it was the same post time after time. I don't think she's attractive--she looks like George Lopez if he weighed 325 pounds. I don't know how or why she thinks she's such hot shit, but both her and my co-worker are practically two of a kind. Neither one of them like me, and I know why. I see through their bullshit. I don't worship them, and it drives them NUTS. They have nothing kind to say to me. They sneer at me. I know that THEY know they are nothing special, yet they present this "I'm ever so fabulous" attitude and it's really kind of sad. It's sad, because there are people out there who have so much to offer, and they are genuinely nice, yet they have low self-esteem, and yet these pieces of shit, who have not done much with their lives, use everyone else as a stepping stone or doormat.

I can only take so much. But when you push me, and push me, and push me, look the fuck out. I will blow up and when I do, there's no going back, usually. No apologies. I told this bitch off, and eventually the co-worker will push me beyond my limit. In the four years I've worked there, the only thing I've done to this co-worker is not be a gorgeous 20 year old with a size two body. That's it. That's ALL I've done. And I'm sick to death of my very presence pissing men off. You know what guys? Your presence pisses ME off. Your stupidity, your machoness, your insecurity, your lack of ambition. Your bodies, and your faces. Stuck in Nowheresville, I sometimes go for months without seeing a man that looks interesting to me. So if I'm a disappointment to you, you are a disappointment to me. The difference is, I try to be courteous to people, but if you are going to treat me like I'm something you've scraped off the bottom of your shoe, don't expect me to blow you. I won't talk to you, because I don't waste time, breath, or spittle on people who don't like me.