Saturday, January 30, 2016

Time for another installment of Creepy? Creepy How?


A big thank you to fellow Bruin Tim S. for creating this hilarious (and horrifying) meme of Buffalo Bill paired with an actual excerpt from a guy's dating profile (typos and creepy vibe intact.)

In case you are late to the show, I've been scanning through some dating profiles and laughing my ass off. I've posted some excerpts on Facebook with my snarky commentary in boldface (because I'm a bitch) and the reaction has been extremely favorable. People are actually wondering if these profiles are for real, and they are. And the photos? Technically awful. Lots of sunglasses, hoods, hats, shade, back lit photos, and women cropped out of photos. Or not. 

So, here's a few more. I dare you to not laugh at these.


I HAD MY DAYS WITH THE LAW,, IM NOT A BAD PERSON,, JUST THOUGHT ID THROW IT OUT THERE,
So, cannibal, rapist, or serial killer? Or maybe it’s unlawful conduct with punctuation.

I’m looking to meet U, an almost voluptuously curvy
Almost voluptuously curvy??? WTF?

I like to be dominant when comes to sex, anything from just vanila to role playing ,tieing up, blind folding and some spanking, The lady always set the limits ofc
How about my limit being I never want to meet you? After all, this site is NOT Plenty to Fuck.com. Talk about TMI!!!

So I really had thought by this time in my life my inner child would have been tasered, Ha!
Why? Were you abused as a child?

You can sit on my lap anytime as I'm playful like that
So he’s into pole sitters??? HAHAHAHAHA!

it' has been hard since my only daughter went to sleep in the Lord 3 years ago,
If this is how Heaven works, I’m not sure I want to go there.

I like trying different types of food from American to Chinese to Sushi
So, basically, from American to Asian. Wow. So different. Many cuisine.



Boy I hate writing about myself
And I hate reading about you! Ba-dum crash!

There is no way for you to tell from this profile that I once had long hair and played guitar in a heavy metal band.
Um…didn’t you just fucking tell me that?

Ask me about the shark I once kicked.
I hope you kicked it because it was attacking you. If you just kicked it for fun, you’re into hurting animals. What’s next? People? Huh? Answer me, you potential murderer!

You see these pics and you can easily come to a view that I am some entitled yuppie
He works in finance/hedge funds. He’s so not a yuppie. I mean, yuppies work as fry cooks and deliver pizzas. And his pics? Looks like an aging frat boy. Be still my heart! Fuck off, yuppie.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm....

I always wonder about people who are divorcing after 20, 25 years of marriage, and a month after they announce they are getting a divorce, one of them has a new significant other. Was that other person in the wings all this time, or did the divorced person go to Rebounds R Us?

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Another Dream Dude Installment!

Gloria: Interests?

Gloria: I have a wide variety of interests, and I expect my ideal guy to have a wide variety of interests as well. I’d like us to have a few things in common. I travel, I like all sorts of music, and I have a few hobbies. I read, I write, I take pictures, make videos, occasionally make music, crafts, I blog, make memes, jog, and I like to go swimming. I like to garden. I want cherry trees in my backyard. I love being able to go into my garden and pick a bunch of ripe tomatoes and eat them right then and there. He needs to appreciate the outdoors.

Gloria: Let’s talk about religion.

Gloria: I’m a lapsed Catholic. I think I have some sort of spirituality, and I think I am a believer in karma. I’m not about formal religion. I think nature is my church. I like looking at the sky. I like walking around in the woods. I like it when it snows. Getting with someone who is a born-again Christian would be a problem. We’d clash. Catholics get bad press because of the pedophile priests, but it can be a fun group. It’s like being a member of some fucked up club that we sort of remember fondly, but not really. All that repression has to overflow somewhere. Catholic girls are that weird combination of guilt and good behavior and potential craziness.

Gloria: Are you guilty and well behaved and potentially crazy?


Gloria: I’m very hard on myself. I am forever trying to chase a life that I want for myself, but fear I’ll never have. I think I’m too nice at times. I worry that I’m not working hard enough or studying hard enough. I behaved well as a child to make my brother look even more incompetent and irresponsible and stupid than he was. My parents never had to have the drug/alcohol talk with me. I was so responsible, when I was in sixth grade, I was in charge of the school office while everyone else went to lunch. Can you imagine that happening today? I got to sit at the secretary’s desk and eat my lunch in peace and quiet and I could call my mom on the phone. I was straight edge before straight edge was straight edge. Potentially crazy? Um…I think it would be nice to have a guy who can stop me every so often and say, “you’re fine, calm the fuck down.”

Monday, January 25, 2016

Mini Movie Monday!

I read part of a short story that I wrote at a reading called "Write the Feminine." This is from a few years back. The story is called, "Hot Enough For Ya?" which is about a dog trapped in a truck on a hot day. It sort of has a sci-fi/fantasy vibe to it, with the spirit or alien dogs abducting the owner to give him a taste of what it's like to be stuck in a vehicle on a hot day. I think this is one of my favorite stories that I've ever written. It's available in a collection of short stories that I wrote. You can get print copies of Served Cold: Tales of Revenge and Redemption at Lulu.com. Check it out here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/gloria-diaz/served-cold-tales-of-revenge-and-redemption/paperback/product-20402986.html

Or if you want the ebook, go here:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/140164

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Start of Another Regular Feature...Introducing... Creepy? Creepy How?

So I haven't posted any "Where Do You Meet These People" articles, because I haven't met anyone particularly weird/dangerous/homicidal or who has a felony recently. But I've been checking out an online dating site, and I've been laughing my ass off. I'm laughing at the hilarious/scary dating profiles. I've posted some of them on Facebook, and several people are enjoying them, as well as my snarky commentary (in boldface.) I think I will call it, "Creepy? Creepy How? This came from a former classmate who made a great meme of the last entry on this list (with a picture of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs) and made us all laugh at work. I'll see if I can get his permission to post it.

I won't bother posting the screen names or photos of these guys. The photos suck, for the most part. Poorly lit, blurry, lots of sunglasses action going on, lots of bro shots. Even some with kids and young women. And two of them, I swear to God, were actual pictures of women! This is all a no-no guys. And because I'm a bitch, picky, critical, AND an English major, I'm going to be as snarky as I want to be.

Enjoy!

I am a lover not a fighter and you will know this I will always have your back and know its forever with me.

This, from a man who is divorced. So much for “forever.”


looking for a laid back woman easy to talk to ,like to go on walk and ride bike ,some body that will help out with thing an enjoys a quit country night ,going to movie and a little cheap nice dinner??


I like to walk and “ride bike” but I won’t help out with “thing.” Because I am “bitch.” “Quit” country nights? Maybe. But “nice” dinners seldom come “cheap.”

I'm easy going and open minded, however have no interest in jumping out of a plane or climbing a mountain.

Guess he won’t be climbing MY mountains! LOL!

oh by the way this is my first computer and it is baddass as soon as I learn how to type with more than one finger

I don’t want to know which finger…

I'm single because relationships are important to me.

Um, I’m single because I’m NOT in a relationship.

im italian i have a big family 5 brothers and 3 sisters 3 are full the rest are half same mom different dads

So your mom spreads it like peanut butter? Classy!

I'm ready to find my sole mate

Really!??? Let’s go shoe shopping!!! Or did you want to go fishing?

To illustrate further my romantic and playful side, imagine this... After eating the dinner I prepared just for you, we decided to wash dishes and of course I volunteer to do the washing and let you dry. Knocking out a few of them, I decide you would look so cute with bubbles on your beautiful face and and so I dip my hand in the water to get good handful and blow... "Ahh, you look so cute!" I say while touching your face gently with both hands. "Oh yeah, your turn mister!" you say while retaliating. We continue to play back and forth until that very moment we decide a nice slow dance to your favorite song would be really nice. As we sway to the rhythm of the music, I look into your lovely eyes and sing with all my heart. It would be a moment to remember! (O.K. I am so doing this now... :-)

This isn't erotic fiction. It's erratic fiction!

So if you're not doing your hair this weekend or waiting for your nails to dry...give me a try...hurry and reply...I don't have much time...my sentencing trial is in July... (ok...it just rhymed)

One should NEVER write a poem joking about sentencing in a dating profile. I mean, holy fuck.


I am old school i open your doors, put your coat on and off. Love long hair and love to play in it so i can brush it.Will do your nails. Warm oil massage is my speciality. My little princess. Oh and you come first always. Must be loyal trusting love to cuttle be caressed touched kissed all over. Like short petite outdoor type more important above all is whats on the inside

Ew. Just ... ew.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Part Three of Dream Dude!

Installment three of several! 


And one of the most stimulating things is chemistry. When you’re talking and you get the sense he’s devouring you visually, and hanging on to your every word, it’s exciting and nerve-wracking and flattering and mind-blowing all at the same time. Those are rare moments, let me tell you, but when they happen….


Gloria: Totally hot!
Gloria: Absofuckinglutely!**



Gloria: What about money?

Gloria: Having money is nice and all, but if you can do the best with what you have, that’s fine. Be creative. Sometimes, it’s just something really simple. A nice massage, that doesn’t cost anything and shows that you give a shit about the woman. Sure, it would be nice to be whisked away to Toronto for a long weekend, but it doesn’t have to be like that. Massages are always nice. A movie marathon is good. Bake cookies. Cook dinner. Have an urban scavenger hunt. You can even play board games, video games, or sports, as long as you can keep your shit when you lose. If you bitch and moan like some five-year-old because I beat you playing tennis, buy some balls. Man up and deal with it. I like a guy who gives me a challenge, and if you can’t handle me trying to beat your ass at miniature golf, there’s going to be a problem. I like being competitive, but it gets old if your whole modus operandi is “anything you can do, I can do better.”

Gloria: Should he be into sports?
Gloria: He doesn’t have to be, but he needs to understand that hockey holds a special place in my psyche. It was my first spectator sport. Dad took me to Komets games when I was a kid. My brother shot pucks at me in the backyard. Can you imagine? I was five fucking years old and my brother was fifteen, and he was shooting pucks at me.

Gloria: Getting back to body types …
Gloria: I just want someone with similar stamina levels, which I don’t think is asking for much…but then again, this is Indiana. So maybe I am asking a lot. I want the guy to be able to downhill ski for two-three hours. I want him to be able to drive to Cedar Point, stand in line, ride the rides, and then be able to stay awake on the drive back. I’m no triathlete by any means, but I don’t want to get into the habit of spending night after night on the couch watching movies and eating pizza. One of my biggest fears is becoming morbidly obese. I struggle with my weight, but if I’m never 120 pounds again, that’s okay. I just always want to be able to ride Millennium Force.

Gloria: What about age?
Gloria: I want someone my age. Someone who can still move around and be a little bit active. I really don’t want to date someone a lot younger than I am. I feel like I have more energy than I’ve had in a long time. I like getting out there and doing stuff like skiing and amusement parks. I like walking around at festivals. I jog on a regular basis. I don’t want some guy moaning about that he’s “too old for this shit.”





**Yeah, I like Sex and the City. What are YOU going to do about it?

Monday, January 18, 2016

Mini Movie Monday!

For some reason, the last one I uploaded, I couldn't see it in Chrome. I can't figure out what's going on. I just dragged the video from my desktop. I didn't format it on YouTube or anything, but maybe I should. Hopefully, you all will be able to see it. I just checked. You can see it in Explorer. Don't know what's going on in Chrome, but I guess I'll have to convert the videos on YouTube from now on.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Foreign Accents...

Absolutely, positively, drive me wild. Last night, I had a particularly difficult paint match. The guy was a tad bit of a jerk.

But earlier in the evening, I helped a guy with a delightful Spanish accent I couldn't quite place. I finally broke down and told him I loved his accent and asked where he was from. Costa Rica. He had a lot of questions, but he was very polite and kind.

And it makes me think that maybe I should just try hanging out with foreign men. Generally, they are nicer to me and I love foreign accents anyway.

So thank you Costa Rican man. You made my night!

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Friday, January 15, 2016

The First Time...

I've had some odd things happen to me in my life, but one very unique thing is that my cherry wasn't popped by a guy. A horse did it. I was such an innocent that I didn't realize what happened at the time, but I remember it was very painful. I was taking a horseback riding lesson. I was going over a fence, and was out of position, and came down on the pommel of the saddle. Hard. I remember sitting  in the indoor arena, hunched over, too embarrassed to explain what had happened. I couldn't believe how much it hurt. What seemed like hours later, I was able to finally move again.

I forgot about it until I had sex for the first time and had to explain to the guy why I was still a virgin but didn't have a hymen.

But that horse...I still remember him. Chestnut. Possibly a Thoroughbred. Definitely built better and nicer to me than any guy I've ever dated.

I wish I'd continued with my horseback riding lessons. Those were good times. I may try and see if I can start riding again. Horses, that is. Men continue to be shitty to me. As usual.


Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Another Dream Dude Installment!!!

The second installment of a series. 



Gloria: Yes, I wrote that down. How about personality?

Gloria: That's a tough one. It's something guys can work on, which is great. He doesn't have to have the perfect body. God knows I don’t. But personality…well, that can be a huge deal breaker too. It can save the guy too, if he works on it.

Gloria: Please explain.

Gloria: Well, I have to feel comfortable with the guy. That’s probably one of the top things. If I don’t feel comfortable, that’s a problem. And there’s a subtle line to be walked between being acceptably flirty, and sexually flirty. And most guys fuck it up. I know you’re looking at my breasts, but you don’t have to announce it. If you compliment me on something else, that reduces the creep factor. Also, you need to talk to me. If I get the feeling you’re really interested in me, that scores huge bonus points.

You could be the perfect guy for me physically. But if you are an arrogant asshole, I’m going to think, “gee, nice exterior, too bad about the interior.” Even if you have money, an asshole with money is still an asshole. But if you ARE an asshole with money, and you want to be with me, it will cost you. You can start by buying me a thoroughbred with combined training experience and paying for the boarding. I also want some tack as well. That’s just for starters. Wait. Fuck that. I don’t want any assholes.





A lot of the time, men scare me. I usually expect them to be shitty to me, and they succeed admirably. But a guy who wants to know about ME, that’s pretty eye-opening. A guy who knows how to communicate with me, who wants to know about my crappy experiences with men, I think that shows something. That’s really attractive. I may not talk about it much, because it’s a touchy topic, and I probably won’t say much because I don’t want to cry in front of you. But thanks for asking.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Mini Movie Monday!

Not an original one from me tonight, sorry. This was probably my first exposure to Bowie. I think I was eight. Can't believe that was 40 years ago. I wish elementary school had lasted longer. I did childhood well. Adulthood, not so much.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

You Know the Insomnia's Bad When...

the time you fall asleep Monday night is 10 a.m. Tuesday Morning.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Diaz Describes Dream Dude (In 4,700 words or less)

I'm taking advice (sort of) from a friend of mine. And I'm also sort of trying to balance things out. I know I usually post really negative stuff about men, but I don't think I've ever gone into any detail as to what I'd like in a guy. And boy, do I have details! You don't actually think I could sum up my ideal man in 500 words or less, do you? I mean, shit, I've written a novel! It's over 120,000 words! And it's my own Goddamn blog! I'll be as wordy as I want! But for you short attention span types, I'll break it up. Yes, I interviewed myself.

And yeah, I may never meet this guy, because I'm way picky, but after some of the idiots I've gone out with, I'm not settling. I know what I want, and if I can't get it, I'll live without it. The next guy (assuming there is one) better rock my world.

Anyway, here's part one (of several).

Gloria: So, what's your ideal man look like?

Gloria: Like a dude.

Gloria: You need to be a little more specific than that.

Gloria: Like John Krasinski…or Ron Livingston.

Gloria: Aren’t they married?

Gloria: Way to harsh my buzz, bitch. Okay fine, uh... between 5'7" and 6'3", dark brown hair, brown eyes...

Gloria: You sound like you're describing a rapist.

Gloria: Well, the last guy I asked out had a class D felony. I worked with someone who went on to murder someone at IPFW. Last year, I met a guy at the library who described himself as a date-rapist. So a straightforward rapist is a logical in-between.

Gloria: You want to date a rapist?

Gloria: No! YOU are the one who thinks I'm describing a rapist! Next question!

Gloria: You prefer dark haired, dark eyed men?

Gloria: (Sighing.) Yes, but I can be flexible. If he's blond, he needs to lean toward brown. If he looks like friggin Malibu Ken, forget it. I can't take super-blond men seriously. Plus, they’re scary. That guy who murdered that IPFW professor in the early 1990s? Blond, blue-eyed. Looked totally normal. I PREFER dark haired, dark eyed men, but as I said, I can be flexible.

Gloria: That's sort of harsh....don't you think? I mean, what if a blue-eyed, blond man asks you out and he has a Ph.D. in physics? Or chemistry?
Gloria: I’m gonna wonder how he got it. Listen, you. I remember when I was a little kid, blondes got everything. I resented that. My dolls were blonde. Blonde hair and blue eyes. Do you know how long it took for me to get a doll with dark brown hair and brown eyes? 

Gloria: I think you were about seven or so.

Gloria: Wrong! Jenny had blue eyes. I was well out of childhood when I finally got a dark haired, dark eyed doll.

Gloria: Okay--

Gloria: Oh wait. He's got to be clean shaven. I hate tattoos. And I don't want him to be pale. I'd like him to have a little color, but not be George Hamilton orange. And no piercings. I don’t want a guy who looks like a sieve. And no tattoos. I know it’s trendy and all, but I’d rather look at scars. I have a few of my own.

Gloria: (Wearily writing) must ...wear... sunscreen. Got it. Let's see, what else? Personality...

Gloria: Did you write down no piercings or tattoos? Seriously, those are like, deal-breakers. Unless….if the guy has a tattoo in a spot that’s covered most of the time… I suppose I could deal with it… but only if I think he’s Mr. Spectacular. But I’m still not going to like the fact that he has a tattoo.
                                            

Gloria: Yes, I wrote that down. How about personality?

To be continued ...


Monday, January 4, 2016

Mini Movie Monday!!!

This is a model of an amusement park made out of toothpicks. This is from Musee Mechanique in San Francisco. Check out the swing ride! If they went that fast in real life, talk about G forces! Cedar Point has one. It's called the Wave Swinger.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Saturday Night's Playlist

"The Bad Touch"/The Bloodhound Gang--My guilty pleasure favorite band of the 90s. I loved all the pop culture references.

"Roar"/Katy Perry--I love this.

"All I Really Want"/Alanis Morrisette--Kind of reminds me of me. A misfit full of contradictions.

"You Oughta Know"/Alanis Morrisette--I've never had a guy cheat on me, and when the relationship ended, I was more than ready, to be honest. But I can understand the rage in this song.

"Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss"/The Bloodhound Gang--I can't understand if TBG really liked dance music or was making fun of it. I think they were making fun of it in this song. But I got a kick out of these guys--the juvenile sex/pop culture references and crazy rhymes and dance music highlighted a decade where I was fairly happy for a while.

Sunday night I cleaned to disc two of the first season of Two and a Half Men. It's much more fun to watch sleazy guys on television than to deal with them in real life. And now I can do yoga in my spare bedroom!