Monday, February 29, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Another installment of what I would like in a guy. Not that I'll ever find it, but I thought I'd put a piece together about Mr. Spectacular.
Gloria: You sound bitter.
Gloria: Probably because I am. But I don’t think I’m a monster. I think I could be really, really good in a relationship, but I have to meet the right guy. Some men think it’s all about the money. Being nice to me doesn’t cost a cent. I went to a writer’s conference in November, and I met some agents. All of them were pretty nice, but one in particular was really nice. He said to me, “I hope you have someone at home who tells you how wonderful you are every single day.” I thanked him, but said I don’t have anyone like that. I almost started crying in front of him.
Understand where I’m coming from, and if you’re willing to be patient, you’ll be rewarded with someone who won’t cheat on you, who is a pretty good cook, bakes awesome cookies, and is affectionate, energetic, always up for a road trip and is downright passionate and thoughtful. But I give as good as I get. If you’re not going to work at the relationship, don’t expect me to work at the relationship. I did that once, then realized the guy wasn’t putting forth an effort. I wish I had left earlier.
Gloria: So…..what about polygamy?
Gloria: I don’t share. I have a theory about women who want a man so much they are willing to share him with three or four other women. Low. Self. Esteem. Like, REALLY low self-esteem. That might work for some women, but not for me. Why would you want to be some guy’s third-string bench warmer? And women in a group are usually okay, but we can be vicious. Add a guy to the mix, and all that sisterly solidarity goes right out the fucking door. We are going to knock ourselves out competing for El Schmucko, and try to one-up each other, and the asshole is going to sit back and grin because he’s got women competing over him, feeding his ego, which is way bigger than his dick. “Women are fighting over me! Awesome!” Go fuck yourself!
Gloria: So size is important?
Gloria: For men it is. Personally, I think the sexiest part of a guy is his brain.
Friday, February 26, 2016
More dating profile nonsense! If you really enjoy these, check out the first book in my online dating series: I Care What I Look Like and So Should You: Narcissistic, Nutty and Just Plain Weird Dating Profiles and My Snarky Responses
It's practically free, and if you have KindleUnlimited you can read it for FREE!!!!
Meme by Tim S.
Here are the winners for this week:
Package engineer. I'm the guy who made those annoying plastic packages you hate to open.Oh, so YOU’RE the one! I’m coming after you, motherfucker!
nice cool guy to talk to get along with very sexual and very love to smoke weed never drink love hanging out with my son my son is 4 years ol exam for you is a good mom in his life what is cool I love to do a lot of things very adventurous I need a lady in my life that's the same way I would love to fall in love but that is not necessarily going to happen I want another baby hopefully a girl I'm on here looking for my future girlfriend wife baby mother 26 years old and I'm a Leo d
Very love to smoke weed??? Oh good God! Are you sure you are not Scumbag Steve???
Never meet anyone yet but let's c maybe you can help me beat boring life. I was never able to impress a woman, may be I am too boring
Dude, you have less game than I do! That’s impossible! (And kind of encouraging! Thanks!)
I am a car guy......i love to builld them and drive them.......currently own a twin turbo 94 caprice,93 camaro z28 and a 2004 subaru wrx wagon..........oh and if i ever get back around to finishing it a 1965 corvair monza. If any of this interests you i would love to hear from you !
Can you give me a car?
some one to have fun with, to have a real realationship with, play, laugh, and enjoy one other someon who would want to put everthing into life as good as possiblbe. i like to snuggle, dine out ,go moveis, barbaque on the deck, wook hard shop for nice things,, cruze the lake on a boat ,keep my house inside out. but most important thing would be sharing evering with you.
It says in his profile he can speak Spanish. WTF!??? He can’t spell in English! I bet the only Spanish he knows is “tacos” and “cerveza.” Or, as he might put “tahcose” and “servezza.” ¡Ay, dios mio!
Chivalry is not dead: I will hold car doors open for you and bring you flowers. I want to be your knight in "shinning aluminum foil!
Ugh, can you imagine the racket that would make? Also, someone wrapped in aluminum foil is going to remind me of a giant burrito. Now I’m hungry. Fuck you.
I have been allot of places have allot of experience,
Not with spelling, that’s for damn sure.
I moved to Raleigh from Canada for my dream job.
Good luck surviving in the United States of Itchy Trigger Finger America. Since you’re Canadian …
Bonne chance de survivre dans les Etats- Unis d' Itchy Trigger Finger Amérique.
Bonne chance de survivre dans les Etats- Unis d' Itchy Trigger Finger Amérique.
hello there. what should I say in here? something id like to do. maybe the Asheboro zoo. a day trip to the coast? where we can make a toast. to having fun. in the sun. maybe to the blueridge parkway we will escape for a day having a glass of wine. after we get there would be fine. or a beer at an Asheville pub. where we can grab some grub. a walk through the park. in the the dark dark dark. with only the star light. guiding us through the night. i would like to find someone. who will be my only one. i am a romantic. hope that aint problematic.
Way to go—using “aint’ in a crummy poem. Why didn’t you just shit all over it? Also, may the ghost of Robert Frost beat your ass.
would love to find someone who would want to be my partner in crime in such endeavors. I also love watching movies and making movies, so someone who loves movies is a major plus.
Annnd those movies he likes to make are probably porn movies. NEXT!
They say you are what you eat...well I don't remember eating a sexy beast.
Trust me—looking at his picture, he didn’t eat a sexy beast. He ate a bearded NC fan.
I have the Artist Temperment..I have A..D D ......easy going layed back...forgiveing..I like people ..I love trying new things,but I stick to what works also You could be a Business woman,Teacher,Beauty Awareness, Know your Bible Iam a born agian Christ folower or 35 years...iam not in to RELIGIN...!!!!!!...only a relationship with Christ. I studyed Theo/Philos ..in Collage and got A's/Bs...but I wont bore you with all of that .
Obviously, he never majored in spelling—or studied it. You beauty awareness employees out there, might be interested in this guy. As long as you’re interested in Jebus.
I'll try almost anything once except jumping out of a perfectly good airplane!
Dammit! I was hoping to cast him in my D.B. Cooper movie musical!
If you can "dance" in a club with me that is perfect.
And we all know that “dance” means grinding up on the guy like you are a total whore. I miss the 1950s.
If we are at the gun range I will grab your butt
And then I’ll shoot you.
Monday, February 22, 2016
This one is mostly audio. I love this. I'm watching New York Stories right now, and this was in the film. Not this recording specifically, but the same piece.
The Prince tries to convince Turandot to love him. At first she is disgusted, but after he kisses her, she feels herself turning towards passion. She admits that, ever since he came, she had both hated and loved him. She asks him to ask for nothing more and to leave, taking his mystery with him. The Prince however, reveals his name, "Calaf, son of Timur – Calaf, figlio di Timur" and places his life in Turandot's hands. She can now destroy him if she wants (Duet – Turandot, Calaf: Del primo pianto).
Scene 2: The courtyard of the palace. Dawn
Turandot and Calaf approach the Emperor's throne. She declares that she knows the Prince's name: Diecimila anni al nostro Imperatore! – "It is ... love!" The crowd cheers and acclaims the two lovers (O sole! Vita! Eternità).
I also love Paul Pott's version when he auditioned for Britain's Got Talent.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Gloria: So what’s he really like?
Gloria: (Singing) I want a guy with a mind like a diamond, I want a guy who knows what’s best, I want a guy with shoes that cut, and eyes that burn like cigarettes. I want a guy with the right allocations, who’s fast and thorough, and sharp as a tack, he’s playing with his jewelry, he’s playing with his hair, he’s touring the facility and picking up slack….
Gloria: I want a guy with a short skirt and a looooong jacket.
Gloria: Not really. I mean, I don’t want a cross-dresser, or some fucking European prince, but I want someone interested in the world. I want someone who’s traveled, so we can compare places we’ve been and places we want to go. I want someone who can communicate well. If he knows a foreign language, that’s cool.* Foreign accents drive me wild.* He has to be well read.
He also has to be really intelligent, but also perceptive and sensitive. You can be the smartest guy in the world, but if you don’t have a clue, it can be seriously frustrating.
Gloria: Well, if I say I’ve had shitty experiences with men, that’s your cue to NOT BE SHITTY WITH ME. Amazing how so many guys fuck that up. I’ve known maybe one guy to be sympathetic when I’ve said that. It’s like if you say you have erectile dysfunction, how would you feel if I laughed at that? Or said it’s probably something you’re doing wrong? You’re going to be pissed and say I’m an insensitive bitch. If we’re friends, I’m going to feel bad for you, but your erection problems have no bearing on our friendship. Now, if we are going to be intimate, yeah, the erectile dysfunction is something we are going to have to deal with.
You’re going to have to understand that because you’re a guy, I’m going to assume you’re an asshole until you prove yourself otherwise. Yeah, it’s unfair. Yeah, you’re dealing with decades of me having to deal with shitty behavior from men, starting with my asshole brother, and guys who were mean to me throughout school and beyond. If you’re not going to be patient, and not work your ass off to convince me YOU really ARE a nice guy, there’s the door. I’m tired of the nonsense. I’ve tried acting nice, sweet, flirty, bitchy, cool, reserved, aloof, warm, standoffish, interested, disinterested, and myself, and nothing works. NOTHING. Well, I didn’t try acting slutty, but I’m not doing that. So I’m going to be myself, even though that doesn’t work either. I refuse to waste my time. It’s too bad you have to deal with my bad history with men, but I didn’t come out of my mother’s womb thinking men are assholes. If you want me, you’ve got to earn it. And if that’s too much to ask for, too damn bad. I struggle with this all the time, and I hate it. You may not understand why I think men hate me, you probably won’t have a solution as to why, but please just be patient with me. I’m honestly tired of doing my hair and makeup, and picking decent outfits, and being all bubbly and positive, and you STILL just blow me off, or you’re rude to me. As the kids say, I’m all out of fucks to give. And I’m bad at clues. If you want to be my friend, or if you want to be more than friends, you’d better be pulling out your best verbal/body language/flirting tricks and putting on a performance.
*Blame Dad for this one.
*Blame Dad for this one.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Meme by Tim S.
Having a great time with these! And people are enjoying them!
I like working an I well precise for my family
I have not had sex in over 2.5 years
Guys, please don’t. I know it’s sad when you don’t get laid, but this just comes across as desperate.
I am a strong confident man who is not hung up on trying to display a male imagine given to me by a TV set
I imagine a male who can write well. You are obviously not that male.
I told my ex everyday for 20 yrs, of 25 yr marriage, that I loved her.
See, if you’d just kept up that last five years of saying “I love you,” perhaps you wouldn’t be currently separated now! He’s mentioned three times in his profile that he was married for 25 years. I’m beginning to wonder if that 2.5 years he hasn’t had sex is actually 25 years!
Im looking for someone to get to know very well and do things with.......lots of things.....planned things and spur of the moment things.....right now things.....
How about thingy things?
I hope that I could take her anywhere in the world and she would like it!
If it’s a country that is run by the Taliban, or stones/rapes/beats women because they can, I bet she wouldn’t like it. You might want to rephrase that entire statement.
I can spell and actually use the word "Commitment" I do not need a mother, cook, baby sitter ect.
The abbreviation for “et cetera” is etc. And “babysitter” is one word. I don’t want to go out with you, but you can hire me to be your proofreader!
I like nice things, but I don't feel controlled by money.
I LOVE nice things, and I totally feel controlled by money! If things/services were free, NO ONE would worry about money! What a naïve rube.
I graduate from the Remington college of cosmetology (on line course) in 2 weeks and can't wait to begin my career as an astronaut! :)
I HOPE this guy knows the difference between cosmetology and cosmology….nope, probably doesn’t.
profile no complete
Y U no complete profile?
I shouldn't even be here until my divorce is final, so I'm not looking to date. I'm just looking to see who's single. I'm also still working on my own life at the moment so it's a bit unfair to be here. I'm currently unable to read any messages or respond. I'm not a paying member so don't take it personal if I hadn't responded to anybody. Just saying.
Huh. Well, I’m single, but I think what I really want is someone to show me a good time and to kiss my ass. I want a guy who is a total alpha, even though I’m a beta female. I want someone who totally meets my standards, but is okay with me being me, and not a supermodel. Oh, who am I kidding? And who are YOU kidding? Come on, dude. You are more wishy-washy than Charlie Brown. And you’re a fucking cheapskate to boot! And I’m impossible to please!
I'm different than most just know that
Suuurrrre you are…..
I feel like I have a second chance at happiness.iwant to take advantage of it with someone who's not afraid of my past
Why should I be afraid of your pa—ohhhhhhhhhhh. I just answered my own question!
Monday, February 15, 2016
I didn't make this video, but I wish I had. I normally don't like rap music, but this one is funny. The line about "last time I had sex was in 2003, and I'm ashamed to admit that it wasn't free" always makes me laugh. AND he's Canadian, so of course I love him.
Friday, February 12, 2016
It's fun to see people trying to express themselves, and it gets even funnier when people are on dating sites. Everyone sounds great, or mental. So I've been checking out a certain dating site, looking for some wacky profile descriptions. Here's another installment. Enjoy!
Meme by Tim S.
I have always been told I am shy/quite
I believe the word you want is “quiet.” Why the FUCK is this so hard to figure out???
I am not subscribe here
Y U no good writer?
like going out and having a great time and be vary sexurl when the time comes to play
This reminds me of that Ermagerrd Meme. I like sexurl intercourse ern a king serzed berd.
Well I! Looking for a Good woman no bs. No drama. Honest bocheaterwamt some o me that wants so!ethimg out of life. Woman that works even though I'm not working at this time I don't want nowoman to take care of me either
Well, at least he’s not bragging that he “talks good” or “writes good.” He wants a working woman even though he’s not working “at this time”? What the fuck is a “bocheaterwamt”? Is that like a chumbawamba? Or a whatchamacallit?
So far the synopsis I am getting from this site is everyone is looking for the perfect man, hell if you find him I will date him
So are you gay, or bi?
Fun loving honest outgoing handsome I'll do just about anything that's just about it LOL getting up there in age LOL
Which means you’re going to die soon, LOL
Can you remember a time when you was with someone and you was able to feel so wonderful and in the moment that everything was perfect
I’d like to remember a time when people could write competently, and were well-educated and were more familiar with English language and grammar.
Dating seems so hard these days, where are all the good people.
Ladies if you got gave,you will get played by your own deeds
WTF is “got gave”?
hoping to find somebody just like me
So you want a guy with wire-rimmed glasses and a goatee? ‘Cuz…that’s your picture.
By the lake with the fit pit going
“Fit Pit”? Is this some sort of big hole with Nautilus equipment in it? Or perhaps, it’s something else. It rubs the Ben Gay on its skin, or else it gets the hose again…
I like rum, riding my Harley, and hanging with my friends
They say you can rum from your troubles.
I love to shop and spend money.
What do you want to bet his best friend told him to put that in?
had a fiancee and baby on the way both was murdered while I was in boot camp
This is really, really tragic…but WHY would you put this in a dating profile? Because it would be awesome in a country/western song! Let me see if I can finish it… I know you are both in a much better place, and I’ve run my long race, but Jesus my feet are so damp….
Okay, I’m going to hell for this.
I was a long-time cashier, but due to depression & back problems developed due to 5 knee operations, I am unable
I was a cashier once too, but due to my shitty math skills and asshole customers, I am unable.
Open mind big smiles laughter a must punctuation optional
“Punctuation optional”? Not in my world, motherfucker.
Maybe, I'll find a 'Sara', a 'Lady in Red', a 'Sweet Melissa', a 'New Orleans Lady', 'Billie Jean', 'Sister Christian', or 'Jenny' (I already have her #(8six7-530nine), a 'Superfreak'(hmmmm, something to think about...). 'Girl You Know It's True', I might meet a 'Brown-eyed Girl' at the 'YMCA'. I don't want a 'Tainted Love', 'Jessie's Girl, 'Trouble Trouble', or a 'Man-eater'(ouch!!). 'Relax', if you have a good personality and sense of humor, then I'm 'Alive and Kicking' and a 'Thriller' and I'll show you my 'True Colors'(sweet song!). 'Let's Get It On......'(communication that is!! I had to use that classic!) because I'm a 'Sharp Dressed Man' who gets 'Hungry Like The Wolf'. If you don't like my 'story' then 'Beat It' or 'Whip It', Whip it good! 'It Takes 2' to make a thing go right, and if you don't like that song then 'Hip Hop Hurray' for 'O P P'.
Gee, you think he likes 80s music? I do NOT want him to “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
That reminds me of a drummer joke a musician told me. Little boy says to his mom, “when I grow up, I want to be a drummer.” The mom says, “you can’t be both.” Ba dum crash!
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Another Installment of Dream Dude! (In which Gloria talks about feminist men, smoking, drinking and politics)
Gloria: What about feminist men?
Gloria: As friends, they can be mellow to be with. As a dating situation, it’s kind of tough. What gets annoying is when they tell you, “you don’t have to wear makeup,” “you don’t have to dress up.” That is basically telling you what to do, which they can’t seem to understand. Shouldn’t it be about doing what I WANT to do? And if I want to dress up, it’s going to be for me. If you’re enjoying it, fine, but I’m not doing it for you.
And dating a feminist man… I was friends with a feminist man, and it was fun, but he couldn’t understand why you can’t wear hiking boots with a dress on a job interview. Feminist men still don’t seem to understand that women are judged by their looks. If we don’t look like we’ve put a decent outfit together, it makes us look like we can’t dress appropriately for the situation. If all men were blind, we wouldn’t have this problem, but that’s not going to happen. As for dating a feminist man, I can’t imagine having him ask me, “is it okay if I hold your hand?” “Is it okay if I put my arm around you?” “Is it okay if I kiss you?” Yawn. If the guy is perceptive enough, he’s going to know if it’s okay. If we’re walking, and there’s five feet of space between us and I’m constantly veering away from you, that’s a pretty good sign that I don’t want you to touch me.
Gloria: What about smoking and drinking?
Gloria: Non-smoker. If he drinks a little, that’s okay. But if he drinks to get trashed, or is out drinking every weekend, that’s going to be an issue. Depression I can understand, but alcoholism, no.
Gloria: I’m progressive, so he should be progressive too, or else we’re going to be doing a whole lot of yelling.
Monday, February 8, 2016
This isn't an original video from me, but it's certainly ... original. I found this video while searching for "A Furry Rebirthing", which was excerpted in Everything Wrong With YouTube, from the BrandSins channel. I guess I'm fascinated with people's freakdom, and I know a little bit about the furry community. But not much. Anyway, this is from beeblefoxx, who made the "A Furry Rebirthing" video. Titled, "Unboxing My New Daughter", it's listed as "comedy" but there's very little that's funny about this video, which kind of shows how weird people can be, and the attachments they make to certain items. This video is disturbing to me. Everything from the guy's trembly, effeminate voice, to the mannequin itself, to the end, where beeblefoxx breaks down crying, while popping open a soda. Well, that part is kinda funny I guess. Who the fuck Jimmy is, I have no idea.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Meme by Tim S.I'm having a blast making fun of ridiculous dating profiles. And from the looks of my stats, people are digging them. So here are some more from the interwebs. My snarky comments are in boldface.
am intelligent, bright and quit-witted guy
Because being “quick-witted” is just so overrated.
Qualities I love about my Wife
So why does it say “divorced” in your dating profile? Did she help you compile the list of the qualities you love about her?
Old women adore me.
Yup, that is the NUMBER ONE quality men brag about! Come here, grandma! You are looking HOT today!
My medication cabinet consists of Motrin, vitamins, and some random crap. (still wondering how stool softeners got in there.)
Dude, I know EXACTLY how that butt plug got into MY medicine cabinet!
i am also a bad boy, so your secrets are my secrets. i am fully experienced in full body massages and mine are free the first time
So I have to tell you where I buried the bodies? Uh, no thanks. And if I have to pay you to massage me, it looks like you are looking for clients, and you are NOT supposed to solicit on these sites!
Well, I actually AM a fart smeller
That’s great, because I was really wondering about that. I’m so glad I know.
I’ve been told my smile lights up a room
Then why are scowling in your profile picture?
I have been in the restaurant business for over 20 years and 14 years as a General Manager. I have worked in Private Country Clubs, Black Angus and Buffalo Wild Wings. My current restaurant is extremely busy. We are #3 in sales out of 1,100 locations. I have 115 employees working for me so I have 115 personalities I deal with everyday.
This isn’t a dating profile—it’s a fucking résumé!!!
Love my older kids
Does this mean you hate the younger ones???
*sigh*200 characters is way too much)
So I take it you won’t be participating in NaNoWriMo???
Intellect is a turn on. I've long been fascinated with neutrinos and dark matter/energy blah blah blah.
Then why do you use non-intellectual talk?
You won't find me at the bars or trying the latest pick-up line (because nothing beats "hubba hubba"
Wrong. Nothing beats, “Hey sweetie, I love to shop, and I love it when you spend my money. And you don’t even have to give me blowjobs!”
I am an artist and was a ballerina so I love to dance.
Hold me closer, tiny dancer?
My daughters are my soul however just as I'm typing this my youngest just fell off the bed for no reason whatsoever!!
Wow, top-notch fathering skills! Served with a side of skull fracture!
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Yes, I KNOW this is really long, but aren't you glad I broke it up into shorter segments? Because I didn't really want to leave anything out. I'm anal retentive like that. (But I'm not into anal--just thought I should make that clear.)
Gloria: What about sex?
Gloria:I like a cool bedroom for sleeping. I mean temperature-cool, not necessarily aesthetically cool.
Gloria: That doesn’t have anything to do with sex.
Gloria: We have to talk about this?
Gloria: Well, your ideal guy will probably want sex.
Gloria: I don’t want to go into too much detail. You know the kind of creeps I attract!
Gloria: Give me something, at least.
Gloria: Okay—no threesomes, no public sex and no fucking other women while we are together.
Gloria: That’s it?
Gloria: That’s all I’m telling you. I will save it for the guy if/when the appropriate time comes. But one thing he’ll never have to worry about is me cheating on him. I could be dropped butt-naked on an island full of men and he wouldn’t have to worry that I’d want to have sex with anyone. I could be with my guy in a room full of men I think are totally hot, but I wouldn’t want to be with them. I’d just want to be with my guy. I couldn’t live with the guilt. Plus, men hate me. It’s impossible to cheat on someone if the entire opposite sex hates them. Besides, if he is my ideal guy, why would I want anyone else? Oh, something else I thought of.
Gloria: I know that guys are all about the sex, but there’s something else that just ramps the creep factor up. I’ve seen some of the texts my friends have gotten, and there is nothing more disgusting than reading about what some guy wants to do sexually. It’s usually worded in an incredibly vulgar way. I’ve had someone on Facebook comment on my posts, and it’s usually some over the top sexual reference. He offered to make a porno with me. I’ll never date this guy. Never. If I think you are some drooling pervert, forget it. You’re done. I get the fact you’re a guy and you think about sex 24/7. But you don’t have to keep reminding me of it. We both know you want sex. There’s a way to communicate to a woman that you are seriously interested in having sex with her without coming across as icky or date-rapey. A lot of men don’t know how to do that. Whatever happened to guys being “smooth” or “suave”? It’s like the men today have bachelor’s degrees in drooling perversion or something. Criminy dutch!****