If you've been wondering why I haven't posted more Tee Arr Eff fashion photos, it's because my computer was massively screwed up. It had more than 1,000 viruses, and I didn't know I didn't have any anti-virus on it. Financially, I'm screwed, so having a subscription to anything, including computer software, is just not going to happen right now. And to be honest, this laptop has been a bit of a mystery. I have no idea what it's capable of, how many gigs of RAM it has, etc. I only know it had Vista on it, and had I known how bad it was, I never would have purchased this computer.
So I had to have my computer fixed, and I also had to back up everything. Since my external drive got knocked on the floor by my cat, I went out and bought a jump drive and put everything I wanted to save on there. I've not reloaded my stuff, because it's kind of nice to turn on my computer, and actually see the screen saver instead of literally dozens of icons.
And I have also been occupied with my book. I am in the process of converting it to a print version, and plan to have copies of it for sale at the ACPL Author's Day, which is going to be in November. I made a pocket paperback of the book, and it looks nice, but I screwed up a few things. The page numbers are off, and the cover has the title of the book on it twice. It was still nice to see my writing in print though. I am working on formatting the final story in the book, and it should be done soon. I try to do about five pages a night, so it should be done before the end of the month. I plan to make a print copy; hopefully this time I will do it right.
I've also been trying to be positive about the future. I've been thinking about my life, and my mistakes, and wanting to have the kind of life that isn't so frustrating. Part of it is being broke all the time. There is a reason for that, and hopefully I am in the final months of poverty, but I worry that something else will hit me shortly thereafter, and perpetuate the process of being broke all the time. Money isn't everything, but what seems like constant poverty is depressing. I feel like I've finally found my career calling, and to do more with it, I need to get a master's degree. I'm scared of going back to school, how I'm going to pay for it, and possibly running into bad luck--I finally get my degree, but can't get a job with it. That's what I'm most scared of, and why I am reluctant to take out student loans to finance this future educational endeavor.
I'm also thinking I need to go back to school to give me a better chance of leaving Fort Wayne. I would like to save enough money, and eventually move to the Toronto area. I'd feel better about that if I owned the house, instead of half of it, and if I had a job offer in Toronto or somewhere nearby. Why Toronto? The city basically gave me a reason to live after my mother died. When she died, I really wanted to die too, because I felt I had no purpose in life. But Canada gave me a reason to live. It's clean, there are fewer people, and they are a lot nicer. I know there is no such thing as utopia, but more and more I feel like I don't belong in Fort Wayne, or the United States. My family basically died when my mom did, and it's not like I have tons of friends in town either. I tried to reconnect with a friend almost a year ago, but his excuse of losing his ability to write (and therefore taking months to respond to emails) is just another way of saying, "I really don't want to spend time with you anymore." It's never worked when I pursue men, and if I never have a relationship again, I can take that. But I want to be a little more financially secure, and be able to live in a place where I am proud to be there, and happy to participate in the community. Fort Wayne seems incredibly dull and unexciting, and will never be a cool city, because it spends tons of money on stuff that doesn't bring people or jobs to the city. I've never attended a game at Parkview Field. I've delivered stuff there, but the thing that draws me downtown is the library.
So I am in kind of an interesting state of mind. I self-published two books and I'm in the process of getting both into print. There's that, and also my financial memoir, which I'm going to try and interest some publishers in. They will probably turn me down. If so, I'll self-publish, and hopefully by then I will have some money to really promote it. Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman--look out. My financial experience and advice is going to make your writing look really boring.
I'm kind of lonely, but since people seem to continually let me down, perhaps I'm better off just keeping to myself. I no longer have a family. They live, but sadly, I have nothing much to say to them. I am a fat ass failure to them. So be it. They've disappointed me as well. So we are even.
I'm scared. I want out, but the only thing that kept me from being homeless in 2008 was owning half of this house. Will I ever earn enough money to pay $800 a month in rent (plus utilities) and not be sweating bullets about it? Toronto is an expensive city. If I have to work three jobs to afford to live there, would it be worth it? Or would I be so exhausted, I'd just come home, sleep a few hours and start another day of working just to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach? These are some questions I will have to answer. But it's terrifying how fast time goes. To other people, I've done a lot, and I have some important skills, but on the other hand, I see myself as a failure, a doormat, and completely scared. I'm also very angry. Perhaps I will make my peace with things. Hopefully I will find some success I feel I can be proud of, and form the kind of life I want to have.