Saturday, October 25, 2014

A Weird Sort of Feeling...

I've been depressed lately, and self-medicating with food, which isn't helping. I can feel my left knee hurting a bit, which is a good sign that I've gained some weight. Also, the food just doesn't taste as good as I thought it would. And needing to be near a toilet when I gorge myself on a huge meal (because I usually eat greasy food) is not too cool. Because, when I gotta go, I GOTTA GO.

So, I'm on a juice fast again. I'm hoping I can eventually break through this plateau and get to my goal weight. It's more than I should actually weigh, but I don't think I'll see 120 pounds ever again. If I do, it's because I've won the lottery and I can spend 4-6 hours a day exercising, because I'll have time to do that sort of workout.

I've been avoiding schoolwork. I have some stuff I should read, and I'm a bit behind on it, but I don't think it's anything I can't conquer. I'm still worried about my major writing projects, except for my teaching portfolio. I figure I can throw just about everything I use in class in it, and I'll be done, except for the annotated bibliography, which seems ridiculous, but whatever. I actually have some time off from class so I can maybe work a bit on these projects and they won't seem so overwhelming.

I'm really hoping that by going back on the juice fast and ramping up the exercising a bit will help me break out of this funk. Even though I'm not scraping by as bad as I used to be, I've realized that even feeling sort of comfortable financially is not enough to help my depression. I really do think I could win the Powerball for some crazy huge amount, and still struggle with feeling sad, although I do think I wouldn't feel as sad so often!

But daily life seems a bit dull. I've been having some wacky dreams lately, which is a sure sign that I'm bored with the day-to-day stuff. I've decided not to worry so much about school. If I get a C in a class, I can always take another class and get an A in it, so it will balance out. I can also think about working more, once I have a few more classes under my belt, and maybe take one class a semester, and not borrow so much money. I should also do more scholarship hunting as well. So things are not so dire at the moment, but that doesn't mean I don't think about the past and think too much about things.

I still feel like there's a lot left for me, but sometimes I think it's all done for me as well. I'm not a kid, yet there are experiences I'll never have. I'll still be a bit "off" from the rest of humanity when it comes to certain things. I don't want to go into them right now, but part of me yearns for something I don't think I can have (but a part of me thinks I do deserve it). Another part of me thinks it's done in a lot of ways. Game over. I hope not, but I guess if I can accomplish things on a certain level, then it's all good.

Shit. This is way more than I planned on writing. Keeping up this blog is sort of tiring, because I have plenty I COULD write about, but I don't feel like sharing. Some of it is too embarrassing and pathetic. So, I put some of it into my critical autobiography for my paper. By God, if that paper only gets a B (I had a B- on my first effort) I'm going to start drinking.

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