It's Been a While

I have two addictions taking up my time--Facebook and YouTube. I got high speed Internet access (wireless) about a month ago and I am more than hooked. I'm looking at all sorts of shit on YouTube--plane crash videos, music videos, people squeezing giant cysts and pimples (now I don't feel so bad about my skin problems) women suffering from anorexia, Parry Gripp videos...unreal. Then there's Facebook. A great tool for keeping in touch with people you don't necessarily want to talk to (!) but it can be a time waster as well. I don't play FarmVille or any of those other games. I like video games and I played a few on the Playstation2 when I was off recovering from my surgery, but my time is short, and I have to make the most of it. If I have free time, I spend it sleeping, eating, writing, doing creative stuff or going online. Speaking of creative stuff, I finished the parody music video I was working on.

I feel my life is going to be changing again. It's just a hunch, but it seems like sometimes when I try really hard to do something, it's like it's overkill and I fail, or fuck up, or whatever. When I calmly try to approach something, it seems like it works. I worked with a life coach for three months three years ago because I won a contest on a writing website. (I was actually more interested in the $50 gift card from Borders that I also received.) Anyway, the visualization and the positive thoughts I was supposed to think got old after a while. I couldn't make my life coach happy, I picked a diet that she didn't like (Atkins) and I flat out told her the only diet I could really stick to was my "Eat whatever the hell I want diet." However, I can't lose weight on it, so if I want to dump pounds, I obviously have to pick something that actually works.

I don't know if I believe in the whole "positive thinking" movement--Barbara Ehrenreich recently published a book about it--but I do have "hunches," "women's intuition," whatever the hell you want to call it. I am not interested in football, yet the past three Superbowls, I picked the winning team. A few weeks ago, my car needed repairing, and I was positive the repair bill would be more than $200. (It was $700+.) In 1998, I felt that my family would be tested in some way, something major was going to happen to our family. (In December, we found out mom had cancer, but it hadn't spread.) In 2000, I knew my dad wouldn't last the year, and he didn't (he died in August.) These instances don't necessarily mean that I'm right all the time, but I have these gut feelings about certain things, and usually I'm right. Not ALL the time, but some of the time.

Despite my occasional depression, I seem to land on my feet. But I think I need to change my way of thinking sometimes; because if there are some things in life that you CAN'T change, and your perceived happiness depends on the things you can't change, obviously, you won't be happy. I'm struggling a little with that right now. But I'm going through one of those introspective periods in my life, and I think that's because work (my three jobs) has slowed down a bit and has become a tad less chaotic. Plus, I'm feeling better. It's amazing how much better you feel when you're not throwing up every day, and you actually have an appetite and you don't have excruciating abdominal pain. The loss of appetite was weird for me; that plus the throwing up resulted in a weight loss of about 20 pounds (which I've regained most of, sadly). The loss of appetite was due to an infection. Nothing sounded good, and if I did have a hankering for something, if it was greasy, it came up or slid out. So at times I was afraid to eat, because if I was going to be sick, there wasn't much point.

I wish I could talk to my mom. I feel like I've gone through my life madly searching for something; trying hard but failing. I wonder what she'd say if she could talk to me. I'm starting to regret various things and it's bothering me. I wish I could shut my mind off, sometimes. Maybe that's why I work two and three jobs and I'm constantly doing something; listening to music, or reading, or writing, or watching YouTube videos or getting on Facebook or Wiki: the more occupied I am, the less time I have to think about what I would like to do, and wondering if I have the energy to do it, and my financial situation, and wanting to be able to live in Toronto, and so forth and so on. If you're occupied, you don't have time to reflect.

It's getting late (well, it IS late) and I bought a book today and want to continue with it. I hope it will give me some direction for a book project I'm working on. I would like to feel good about writing this thing. Even if I never get it published, I would like to have written something book-length. I keep saying about my various experiences, "I've got to write a book about this," but I never do.


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