Thursday, January 24, 2013

Wanting What I Can't Have

I've had bad experiences with men. All my life it seems, I've not had luck with men. People don't get it when I try to explain, and I usually get the "have you tried women?" question. No, I haven't and no offense to any lesbians reading this, but I am NOT interested in women. My crushes have ranged from classmates to gay guys (sigh) to one of my college professors.

For a long time, I just didn't notice men. I don't know why. Maybe it was my horrible brother, the guys who bullied me in school, or whatever. It's very, very hard when you try to do the right thing, and you still get dumped on. How you deal with it depends on what kind of person you are. Some people pick up guns and start shooting. Others cut themselves. I just got more and more depressed, and looked in the mirror, and wondered what was wrong with me. It wasn't a recent problem, it's been going on ever since I can remember. It doesn't matter how I act, men don't like me.

That's why, when I see things posted on Facebook, or billboards, or church signs with the reminder that "God Loves Me," I have a hard time believing it. If God IS a man, he doesn't like me. It's not in the genes.

I've pretty much given up on finding anyone. A friend suggested I get on Match.com or some other site to look for guys. I didn't, but sometimes I go on and look for men in my age range, and I'm not impressed at all. I know I really need to lose weight, and I struggle with that too. So I feel like I can't really say, I'm looking for someone, and this is what I want, when I look the way I do. Men don't seem to have this issue. They can weigh 300 pounds, and they still try and get the supermodel-looking chick. I know I don't have anything to offer, so I stay to myself.

That being said, I've become obsessed with The Office. I've got seasons 1-5 and have been watching them over and over and over. The Pam/Jim story line is both frustrating, heartbreaking and inspiring. Of course, I've fallen in love with Jim Halpert. And yes, I know he's a fictional character. For me, this is pretty typical. I seem to have crushes on guys who are not attainable. Some of you armchair shrinks might say I purposely pick men I can't have, but this isn't true. It's just that the men who are available, I'm not attracted to.

Ten years ago, an acquaintance said he wanted to see more of me. I was not attracted to him then, I'm not attracted to him now. He's a nice enough guy, but it's not enough. There has to be similarity of interests, activities, philosophical outlook, intelligence and physical attraction. So, I probably could have been dating someone, he could have been my boyfriend, but I didn't want to get involved for a variety of reasons. I didn't want to get involved, knowing I wasn't attracted to him in any way, shape, or form, only to have to break it off shortly thereafter.

I've sort of given up wondering why I have bad luck with men. I've just sort of accepted it. I'm tired of analyzing it, and worrying about it. It would be nice to have a Jim Halpert in my life, but it won't happen. No matter how I act, especially if I just be "myself" men don't like me. So be it. I am not going to act a different way in order to win friends and influence people. I like acting, but I don't want to do it all the time.

And I'll continue to obsess over The Office and Pam and Jim. I'll eventually own all of the seasons of it. I'll watch the YouTube videos of Pam and Jim's romance and cry. I'll watch the scene where Jim pops his head in the door of the conference room when he comes back from New York and asks Pam to dinner, causing her to forget what the camera crew asked her. The tears in Pam's eyes and her smile is something everyone had been rooting for since the first season. I'll continue to hope that maybe there's a Jim Halpert out there; fun and nice and sensitive, and likes the same things I do. And cute in that boy-next-door way.

But I'm not holding my breath.

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