Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Fat Acceptance...or Not

I'm not sure how I feel about the fat acceptance movement going on. On one hand, I understand that not everyone can be a size two. There are women who are solidly built, and are tall (for women). On the other hand, size 28 (and larger) women seem to be everywhere. Maybe in coastal cities, and certain urban areas, you don't see it as much. But in Indiana, particularly Fort Wayne, you see a lot of huge women, and men.

I know the battle of the bulge well. I've been fat since I was 22, which was a long time ago. My metabolism seemed to shut down. I was eating the same sort of stuff that I normally ate, but the thing was, I wasn't 15 anymore. Not that I exercised a lot as a kid, but I swear to you, I could eat anything I wanted and not really gain. Seemed like a normal everyday thing then, I'd kill to have that now. I never realized that it would end. I never realized I'd inherit my mother's torso, and the tendency (from both parents) to gain weight.

After my surgery last spring, it terrified me. I started eating more fruits and vegetables. I started juicing in November and started doing more of it in December. A week of  juice fasting and I lost 10 pounds. It really wasn't that hard to do. I decided I'd try juice fasting on a more regular basis. I'm struggling with losing more weight. I lose five pounds, then I gain five pounds. The problem is my eating habits. I "treat" myself by going back to eating "normally" which means eating what I want. And that includes lots of salty treats. And salt makes me retain water.

So losing weight is going to take some time and effort. But at least I know I can lose weight. For years, I was convinced that I couldn't lose weight. Maybe I can't. But seeing the 10 pounds come off was satisfying. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables, and I'm finding them delicious. I'm also exercising more and developing more stamina.

Even if I don't get down to my pre-high school graduation weight of 105-110, losing 20 pounds (or more) will help me out. I want to look at it as being healthier. Having non-cancerous polyps scared the hell out of me, and made me wonder if all those potato chips and trips to fast-food drive-thrus led to a surgery I couldn't afford. It also made me wonder what the colons of my overweight friends look like. It's scary, because I've exercised on a fairly regular basis. Not strenuous exercise, but having a dog who loves walking means I have a good reason to get out.

And that's why I'm having a problem with fat acceptance. It's more like unhealthy acceptance. It's basically saying, it's okay to eat an unbalanced diet, to eat bacon-covered everything, to deep fry whatever. Aesthetically speaking, I can't look at really fat women and think that they are attractive. Maybe that makes me a bitch (as well as straight). But I just can't. It was difficult for me to wear fancy lingerie in a relationship, because I felt that I didn't look right in it. Strangely, I wasn't motivated to get into shape while I was dating someone.

Now, I have sort of an ulterior motive for getting into shape. It ties in to the chip that's on my shoulder. I'd talk about it, but it seems childish and immature (I really haven't grown up). But I've been hurt. That really isn't a good excuse, I know. But it's not illegal, this thing I want to do, and if it gives me a self-esteem boost, then I figure it's all good.

Fat acceptance. Once upon a time, I was a high school freshman. First day of gym, and I remember a classmate wearing a shirt that said, "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant." She might have been 15 at the most. And now, we have shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant and I don't know what all. Society made teenage pregnancy more acceptable, and now we have shows about it. If fat acceptance gains favor, don't be surprised if you see shows about huge people and their daily dramas. Ruby is one of them. The show was cancelled a few years ago. I don't want to see shows like this.

I also have an idea for another blog post. If you want criticism, mention that you are trying to lose weight and have found something that works (for you). People who are overweight will talk about how dangerous it is to lose weight too fast and how whatever you are doing is not healthy.

But that's for another day.

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