Creepy? Creepy How??? 4-23-16

Apparently, men don't like being called on bullshit in their dating profiles. I nearly got removed from one of the dating sites I'm on. And I complained about a couple of assholes. So it's not been going well, but I expected that.

Anyway, here's a fresh crop of profiles and my snarky responses.

Male 41--Not much into any games but more into my two boys!!

This sounds so wrong.

Male 41--Really not sure what to think after the judge held me up on dating, seriously!!

If the judge doesn’t want you to date, you really shouldn’t admit that.

Male 50--Life is getting shorter so let's not wait.

And if you keep smoking, it will get even shorter!

Yes the hair on the woman is my first and most reaction of my attraction...

Well, the hair on my legs is plenty long! Party time!

Male 44--I have three kids and seven grandkids that keep me on my toes.

Is it just me, or is a 44-year-old grandfather just … bizarre?

Male 32--i'm a music lover, self-proclaimed culinary badass, drunk dancer, computer nerd, winner of all the video games, and owner of a cat.

In your profile picture, you’re flipping me off. Fail.

Male 40--I am out going. I'm an outdoorsy person. I ask if u want to know more. I hate filling this out.

You are wearing a hat which makes it look like there are two black bananas coming out of your head. Your attraction factor is now at -100.

Male 61--I now own a rake, 2 hoes, a lawn blower/vac, 2 weed whackers, 2 lawnmowers, a sprayer for weed killer, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...sorry, got carried away. LOL No cable, just an outdoor antenna to pick up Fort Wayne stations (with 6 rooms wired and a TV in each of them), but do have Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime for movie and series watching. 3 Roku streaming devices and 1 Roku TV..

What’s scary is that he looks a LOT like Rush Limbaugh, and actually worked for a radio station in the 1980s. Really dude, why list your lawn equipment AND your entertainment crap in a dating profile? You sound like you are looking for both a gardener and someone who will veg on the couch with you. Good luck idiot. You’re gonna need it.

Male 36--I am an ENFJ!!! Myers-briggs type. My enneagram type is 3 W2

So what’s your Psychopathy Test score? Mine is 35 out of 40. The same as Paul Bernardo’s ….. um….not that it matters ….

Male 36--I work hard for a living but know how to cut loose and have a good time. I love the natural wood look and hate when it is painted. Dark purple is my favorite color near a midnight blue color but in purple.

Thanks for the design preferences! ‘Cause that’s what I LOVE talking about on dates! I love hardwood floors and indoor swimming pools!

Male 49--If you want to know, just ask.

Dude, why the white makeup around your eyes?

Male 40--my company has went through cut backs and caused me to loose my job but im working hard to obtain a new one. i will be completing my bs degree in management this year so yes im really smart...

No, you’re not. And your profile name is completely off-putting, so that really proves how dumb you are. I don’t want to suck your beautiful whatever, no matter how long it is.

Male 40--The six things I could never do without food,love,my car, my buddies,my xbox, and my porn

Man, he’s classy.

Male 43--I am a writer, musician, artist, and free-thinker. I'm mainly interested in a Dom/sub relationship or some variation thereof (especially in the bedroom). Friends are still good though, (they don't have to be submissive).

Boy, I guess he wants to weed potential candidates out before he buys them dinner… What’s funny is he looks like he stepped right off the set of Mad Men.

Male 43--The six things I could never do without fresh air, sunshine, trees, music, a good slave, coffee

Oh dear God.

Male 41--Not looking for a fix-her-up

So you’re not planning to “pimp this ride”?

like sitting on the pourch on a summer night or bonefire hope to meet someone who likes the same

The bones, the bones, the bones are on fire …

You must like to travel and be able to hold a conversation but know when to shut up.

Wow. Much subtle. So gentleman.

It apparently also needs to be said that if you are selarated, don't present yourself as divorced. And if you aren't even selarated, don't present yourself as such. Be honest.

“Selarated”? Does he mean “separated”? Or is this a veggie thing? “Celerated”? The fuck???

A woman that shares the same interest as i do and a woman who is selfless not shellfish

“Shellfish”? I do like shrimp, but I don’t consider myself one.

I am the father of a girl and a boy who is going through a divorce.

I know what he means, but this makes it sound like the boy is going through a divorce. Misplaced modifiers can be so much fun!