Monday, March 13, 2017

Profiles of the Gods, and My Snarky Responses to Them, Because I'm Dead Inside

I stopped subscribing to the dating websites, because, well, no one sounded interesting enough to date, except for that one guy who was way younger than I am who never called me back after I beat his ass three times at miniature golf. Plus, it was a waste of money. But maybe I'll pony up some more money eventually so I can make another edition of I Care What I Look Like and So Should You.

Remember, these are actual dating profiles and my snarky responses to them. Boys made fun of me and bullied me for years, I figure it's time to turn the tables on these idiots who now have receding hairlines, baldness, crow's feet, and worn-out bodies. How does it feel, assholes? Not only do I have more hair than you do, but I have way more energy, and even though I'm dead inside, I didn't waste the best years of my life married to some asshole, pumping out kids I couldn't afford to raise once the asshole left me. Yes, guys, because you find me repulsive, I don't have to worry about a college fund for my non-existent kids. I can spend my money on me! I can buy that skateboard and learn how to ride it! I don't go complaining that I'm "too old for this shit anymore." I enjoy my super-human immune system which allows me to hang around sick people and not get sick! Jealous much? GOOD!

So here's some recent winners:

I am a crusty old fart with messy hair, bad breath, smelly feet, and nasty BO. I'm grouchy and bad manners.

My god, this is almost every single fucking guy I ever went out with! Keyword: ALMOST Enjoy being alone--you deserve it.

just trying this to be honest. looking forward to adding onto my life and maybe things working out for a change.

Or maybe not.

I'm honest, loyal and a God fearing man with morals and integrity.

When men make it a point to mention they are "God fearing" with "morals and integrity" it usually means the opposite. Zero points for the sunglasses and facial hair. That smacks of, "I don't want my wife to recognize me/I'm too lazy to snap a new picture."

I love extreme sports outdoor activities lake life motorcycling and quiet romantic evenings an some dancing music spending time with family an someone who is always there for me felling close bond fires

His name is Fire. Bond Fire.

single 50 u r old who knows how to treat a lady loyal sense of humor n has lots of love to share with the right lady!!!

U R Old??? How dare you tell me I'm old! You're older than I am. Dick.

Life is to short not to be happy. I lost my 11 year old son to cancer in 2007 and have had a hard time trying to be happy.

Your son's dead. Hurry up and be happy. Because, you know, life is too short. Also, take the shades off and shave that damn facial hair!

Intelligent, Committed, Confident and Honest~ Update- I am officially in Goshen
Well, geez, being in Goshen is nothing to brag about, really.

truly able to enjoy good times & keep smiling in bad; things always get better

I guess you've never been the victim of a situation that DIDN'T get better! I.e, a one night stand that turned into a pregnancy, a date that turned into a date rape, etc.

It has taken me a while to understand the concept of work/life balance and to accept the Fort Wayne area as my home...

Resistance is futile. One of us, one of us ... Expect your IQ to plummet, your waistline to expand, and your wardrobe to become shitty.

willfully identifies and explores all the amazing gifts of the unexplained. OR Otherwise known as, an urban professional, hippie, metrosexual, dork, jock, nerd /monk.

This reminds me of a joke I heard once. A little boy says to his mom, "when I grow up, I want to be a drummer." His mom says, "you can't be both."

Man, it is tough to describe yourself!!!

No it isn't. I'm a creative, talented, damaged bitch. See? That wasn't hard at all!

I am a glass half full guy i laugh and joke around a lot i am very affectionate and passionate man.I am also totally honest person i am looking for a women with some commen interest that would like to get to know eachother and c where it goes!

He writes like a slutty 12-year-old.

I've spent the last three years recovering from a severe ankle issue. I love my daughter, she's seven. I live in the country and don't like going to the cities that often.

Obviously, he majored in non-sequitur.

i have a great son who i love to death.

Anytime someone writes the words "to death" in a dating profile, I always get a little bit scared. Also, it's "whom I love to death." Not "who."


I an just checking to are what is going on in the dating world

Terrible spelling, for starters.

fun loving person fun loving, very romantic, very caring, sence of houmer Love farming,love and romance

See previous response.

I am NOT a game player, so if you are a game player, do not respond to this

What have you got against bowling, Monopoly, Candyland, and World of Warcraft??? Dick.


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