The Start of the Dating Profile Critiques!

The Start of Another Regular Feature...Introducing... Creepy? Creepy How?

So I haven't posted any "Where Do You Meet These People" articles, because I haven't met anyone particularly weird/dangerous/homicidal or who has a felony recently. But I've been checking out an online dating site, and I've been laughing my ass off. I'm laughing at the hilarious/scary dating profiles. I've posted some of them on Facebook, and several people are enjoying them, as well as my snarky commentary. I think I will call it, "Creepy? Creepy How? This came from a former classmate who made a great meme of the last entry on this list (with a picture of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs) and made us all laugh at work. I'll see if I can get his permission to post it.

I won't bother posting the screen names or photos of these guys. The photos suck, for the most part. Poorly lit, blurry, lots of sunglasses action going on, lots of bro shots. Even some with kids and young women. And two of them, I swear to God, were actual pictures of women! This is all a no-no guys. And because I'm a bitch, picky, critical, AND an English major, I'm going to be as snarky as I want to be.


I am a lover not a fighter and you will know this I will always have your back and know its forever with me.

This, from a man who is divorced. So much for “forever.”

looking for a laid back woman easy to talk to ,like to go on walk and ride bike ,some body that will help out with thing an enjoys a quit country night ,going to movie and a little cheap nice dinner??

I like to walk and “ride bike” but I won’t help out with “thing.” Because I am “bitch.” “Quit” country nights? Maybe. But “nice” dinners seldom come “cheap.”

I'm easy going and open minded, however have no interest in jumping out of a plane or climbing a mountain.

Guess he won’t be climbing MY mountains! LOL!

oh by the way this is my first computer and it is baddass as soon as I learn how to type with more than one finger

I don’t want to know which finger…

I'm single because relationships are important to me.

Um, I’m single because I’m NOT in a relationship.

im italian i have a big family 5 brothers and 3 sisters 3 are full the rest are half same mom different dads

So your mom spreads it like peanut butter? Classy!

I'm ready to find my sole mate

Really!??? Let’s go shoe shopping!!! Or did you want to go fishing?

To illustrate further my romantic and playful side, imagine this... After eating the dinner I prepared just for you, we decided to wash dishes and of course I volunteer to do the washing and let you dry. Knocking out a few of them, I decide you would look so cute with bubbles on your beautiful face and and so I dip my hand in the water to get good handful and blow... "Ahh, you look so cute!" I say while touching your face gently with both hands. "Oh yeah, your turn mister!" you say while retaliating. We continue to play back and forth until that very moment we decide a nice slow dance to your favorite song would be really nice. As we sway to the rhythm of the music, I look into your lovely eyes and sing with all my heart. It would be a moment to remember! (O.K. I am so doing this now... :-)

This isn't erotic fiction. It's erratic fiction!

So if you're not doing your hair this weekend or waiting for your nails to dry...give me a try...hurry and reply...I don't have much sentencing trial is in July... ( just rhymed)

One should NEVER write a poem joking about sentencing in a dating profile. I mean, holy fuck.

I am old school i open your doors, put your coat on and off. Love long hair and love to play in it so i can brush it.Will do your nails. Warm oil massage is my speciality. My little princess. Oh and you come first always. Must be loyal trusting love to cuttle be caressed touched kissed all over. Like short petite outdoor type more important above all is whats on the inside

Ew. Just ... ew.


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