Monday, March 28, 2016
Friday, March 25, 2016
Meme by Tim S.
Enjoy each day with the beauty of my life and treat her as if she was the only one ever.........a natural beauty all that makeup is for the birds........
I’ve had cosmetic surgery, so I wonder how he feels about that. Plus, makeup is fucking awesome. NYX is my favorite brand now. Oh, go fuck yourself dude.
I hate winter and the cold.
And I’m okay with it, so, NEXT!
im 5o feeling good,loking for trusting partner to share life with,never tryed this befor ,been maired over 18 years and deivorsed 3years,trust is a bigg part of a good thing..............................
Y U no can spell?
It's hard to be shy in a city full of beautiful women.
Dude’s from Fort Wayne. I wouldn’t describe this town as full of beautiful women, but I will say the women DO look better than the men. And aren’t some men intimidated by beautiful women??? Yet this dude is single. Huh.
I love fires and the lake!
The lake, the lake, the lake is on fire….whoops, wrong song.
My confidence can be low at times, but I try to be as confidence as I can when it comes down to the important things.
I’m confidence that you don’t know how to write with confident.
Please do not message me if you believe homosexuality is a sin, hate Patrick Swayze, find no joy in life, or enjoy doing Meth. Thank you!
Sheesh! Picky much?
I would like to write something later. not feeling well
Not sure being on a dating site will make you feel better.
Honest dependable with a touch of ornyness to keep it fun.
Most men have a touch of “orny.” I think what you mean is “ornery.” But you can’t spell, so take your “ornyness” and “orneriness” somewhere else.
She needs to be emotionally stable
Emotionally stable women are boring. Men say they want this, then complain when the relationship gets boring. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the waffles are talking to me and the walls are bleeding.
I am in the process of moving, and currently am "between jobs", so a first date would not be a surf-n-turf dinner.
Darn. I suppose Taco Bell or Rally’s is more in his budget, but both of them will make me shit.
I think it's a shame that I have to put this on here. I know that men ask for sex all the time. Not all men want sex right away. Please don't think me asking you to go somewhere or come over for a cookout means I want sex. There are still men out there that have morals and respect for women.
Yes, he mentioned sex three times while claiming that he doesn’t want sex right away. You want sex. It’s pretty obvious.
values the things in life money can't buy.
I value the things in life that money CAN buy. So, next!
I do not watch the news on television, I do not listen to public radio stations and I do not read the newspaper.
Hey, there’s a current events trivia night at—oh fuck it.
blue eyes red hair I want beautifu loving intelligent smar the monster before the final pedestal and treat you like a queen t l and be spoile I love for who she is not what she is she's really happy d
‘Fridge poetry can be fun … sometimes. Smar that monster! Smar it!
The comfort of knowing that, no matter what, there is a constant, permanent person in your life.
Until you get divorced, like this guy is.
Camping is one of our favorite things to do(in a camper of course!).
oh ya guns I like guns and shooting guns very relaxing
This is scary. Although if I shot some assholes, I’m sure I’d be relaxed too.
I have been married twice and now it is time to try something new and different.
Like maybe making better choices when it comes to partners?
I am boring and adventurous!
I am both fat and skinny!
I am a duck dynasty kind of guy, I have the same kind of sense of humor and grew up in the same background.
Being a redneck really isn’t something to be proud of, but you do you.
must be employed or in between jobs
So, must be employed or unemployed. I don’t think this guy knows what he’s talking about.
Please no more hookup offers.
So … wanna hook up?
It's now a book! Buy it and make me rich!!!
It's now a book! Buy it and make me rich!!!
Monday, March 21, 2016
Friday, March 18, 2016
Meme by Tim S.
Here is another installment of wacky dating profiles and my mean-spirited responses. I feel like the well is running dry on horrible profiles, so I'm on a couple of other websites. Enjoy!
Get this out of the way first: A lot of women seem to be looking for guys who make over $100,000/year. Less than 5.63% of the entire US population makes this, which in the town of Jackson, assuming 1/2 the population is male (about 4700?), 5.63% of that leaves you with somehow around 260 (but we all know that this is very unlikely to be the reality) so really, you are probably talking about more like 80 guys in town for all you gold diggers, and then...what are the chances these guys, if smart, dont know that women might 'use' them for their money, and if not that, then they are alcoholics, narcissists, emotionally unavailable, and beyond? Wait-! what about that essential 'chemistry' and all that other yummy stuff that love is suppose to bring-did you forget about that so you could drive around in a Mercedes? Who cares!? Theres likely fierce competition for these guys, from what I can see, so, wow, doesn't sound like love, sounds like a battle. I am sure that ALL the 80-100 eligible males here are not all on Match.com, either!- so I think we may be talking about maybe 5-10 guys currently? If that! A swanky vacation and a big house and nice cars has won the battle for your heart and soul? Ouch. Your heart will slowly crack under the lie. 4 women on here (Jill, Mami, Stacy, etc) have rejected me because of my 'income' essentially, which is actually in the 20% of the US income wage earners. And In all cases they are not truly 'self made' women as far as I can tell. So you own a house here in Jackson? It is highly likely because of your previous marriage(s) that you have one, or a trust fund-family money-etc, not because you earned all that money yourself. Hmmm....Oh well: I know what I am looking for here on Match, and it isn't MONEY-go to your bank (etc) if you want more of that.
Good luck. I think you gold diggers are really going to need it.
Hello, you...lets dance! but first, listen close (please): I am seeking a "fiercely intimate' relationship or, if its what works for us the best, a good and amazing friend. We can all use more good people in our lives, right?
Wow dude…I think you just won for worst profile ever. This one can be summed up with, “I hate all you bitches…now will you fuck me?” He needs to join an incel website. I’m sure he would vote for a government that would force women to hook up with men, just so these guys get laid on a regular basis.
Many people say physical appearence doesn't matter, it's what is on the inside that does, but to be honest and have a fulfilling relationship there must be a physical attraction to make our relationships complete. I'm sorry about not posting a pic but I feel that we can give out way too much info on these sites and a picture can lead to unwanted advances when other on-line people see us in the real world.
I’m sorry you’re hideous looking, AND making lame excuses for not posting a pic. As for me, it’s just a coincidence that in my picture, I look EXACTLY like Megan Fox.
Out door fun loving active woman ..... no drama....... baggage .....one small carry on.......I am going to fill the quota for characters with dots............................................................
He’s not elegantly wasted, he’s brilliantly lazy.
well unless you are a buckeyes fan a steelers fan and enjoy fishing and hunting more than any thing except for maybe sex and are into fat bald rednecks then I guess you should not waste our time. this online thing sucks and is a big pain in the but. theres three weeks of membership left .so if you check this out and that is what your looking for then you will have to figure out what bar i am at
Hurry, fans of fat bald horny rednecks--this catch won’t last long! His membership is up in three weeks, so get a move on!
You should treat a cab driver or a homeless person the same way you would a CEO
You mean call them greedy assholes and kick them in the balls? What did the fucking cab driver and homeless person do to deserve that sort of treatment? Spill oil on beaches?
I have no-kids,(I Love kids) no-pets & no-ex's!I
Yet, he’s divorced. Is your ex still considered your ex if you murdered them?
There's blood in my mouth cause I've been biting my tongue all week".
There’s blood in my mouth because I’m a vampire.
God Bless Lawyers, such wonderful people!
Your lawyer paid you to say that.
profile not complete
Y you no complete—oh fuck it.
To end this up, smile and be happy 24/7!!!
When I was on the dosage of meds my doctor prescribed, I WAS happy 24/7. But I was driving off the side of the road and leaning to one side in class and giggling at inappropriate times, so the doctor scaled the dosage back. I miss drunk me.
could you be the one?
Oh, probably not.
If you’re interested in learning more email.
This is why commas are important.
Lets chat, meet and get to know one another - what's the worst that could happen.
I could end up murdered.
100% mooney back guarantee
I’ve heard this phrase a “cowsand” times….get it? Cowsand???? HAHAHAHA!
If you have been single 10 years or you're so broken you can not love please pass me by.
Well ladies, if you have a prison record or spectacularly bad luck with men, this one’s not for you. In fact, if you’re broken, you don’t deserve love or happiness or a good life, so you might as well kill yourself, because if you are a woman without a man, you’re worthless. Go fucking fuck yourself you judgmental piece of shit—oh wait. I’m just as judgmental. Oh hell, fuck you anyway.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Gloria: Did you have any luck?
Gloria: Of course not! Men hate me, remember? I ended up writing a column about it. My shitty/bizarre experiences with men are always fun to write about.
Gloria: So would you write about a good experience with a guy?
Gloria: I have, but the good dates aren’t funny enough. It’s really hard for me to make fun of an awesome guy, or an awesome dating experience because there’s no point. The awesome guys or dating experiences just aren’t funny. The disaster dates are so much fun to write about because they are laughable—well, unless you get raped. That’s not laughable. But the good dates…those are the ones you replay in your mind over and over…
Gloria: Anything else? This interview is fucking LONG.
Gloria: I’m not for the faint of heart. If you want a Stepford chick, good luck with that. I think I can do formal events, but at the same time, I like getting my hands dirty while planting a garden. I like dressing up at times, but I don’t consider myself a girly girl. I appreciate worldly sophistication, but at the same time, I’ll gush over Hello Kitty accessories. I’m a woman and a girl at the same time. At least I’m giving the guys some warning. I like guys who smell good. If you smell good and you’re charming, and if I’m physically attracted to you and you’re nice to me, my brain will turn to mush. Honestly, I won’t be able to think straight. Combine all that with a foreign accent, I might just cream myself and pass out at the same time. Oh, here are a few more things.
His name can’t be Tom, Tomás, Thomas, or any other variation.***
I hate when guys park toothpicks in their mouths. Or cigarettes behind their ears.
He has to dress appropriately. If you’re having problems with this, just go to the nearest Ralph Lauren store. They’ll help you out.
Please make sure your breath is acceptable.
I shouldn’t have to mention this, but please shower frequently. With soap.
Wash your Goddamn hands. WITH SOAP.
Please, no felonies.
Don’t be cocky. Don’t brag about your sexual prowess, how big your schlong is, or how women throw themselves at you. There’s a fine line between cockiness and confidence, and men screw it up. I actually feel more confident around men who are self-deprecating. I get that you are not Superman. That’s fine.
Don’t send me pictures of your genitalia. All guys think that’s hot. Trust me, it isn’t. It’s fucking creepy. Send me a picture of your junk and I will never speak to you again.
Players—you aren’t interested in women like me, so go fuck yourselves. I’m sure there are plenty of vapid young sluts thrilled to be with you. Enjoy your STDs!
I don’t want to hear about all the women who were sexually satisfied by you. Why? Because women lie too. Sometimes we say nice things so you’ll get off of us. Sure there’s a chance you’re good, but those previous women are not me. You’re not going to get waived to first base because you’ve got a good batting average. Are you good? PROVE IT.
I can be very contradictory. If everyone else is drinking, I’ll be sitting there with my best school teacher glare. If everyone else is stiff, I’ll say something outrageous. I think it’s the whole “attention whore” thing. Either that, or multiple personality disorder.
Cologne is ALWAYS nice.
I rarely drink. So if you are trying to seduce me by getting me drunk first, lots of luck. You need to do it with the wit, charm and intelligence God gave you. If he shorted you on that, tough. You’re not getting laid. Not by me.
If I am not looking into your eyes, it’s probably because I’m shy. Or perhaps I have Asperger’s Syndrome. Or I’m afraid you will hijack my soul. Who the fuck knows?
Sometimes, I am not looking for a solution. If I’m crying, just hold me. Tell me it’s going to be okay, even though it might not be.
I like Hello Kitty accessories.
Have a sense of humor. If we’re hiking and you fall down on your ass in a mud puddle, I sure as hell am going to laugh.
self takes over. So, I might misunderstand that sexual overture you just made.
Or, I’ll get it, but I might be horrified.
Gloria: Are you done? I mean, this is like, really, REALLY long.
Gloria: That’s what she said. (Makes goofy Jim Halpert face, walks away.)
***Blame my brother for this one.
Friday, March 11, 2016
Meme by Tim S.
More online dating madness and snarky responses!!! Be careful out there kids!
Im a good man i work every day i make good money but ..i want someone that will love me for me not my momey.. Im very loyel .. Sorry i cant spell to good .. My grandma raised me to be a gentalmen .. I dont play games ..so if yoir a player or a con- artes .dont bother me ok .. Im a one women man .. If im with someone there is no other .. If your a good loyel women lets talk and get to know each other better cant wait to find the speshal lady. ... please no skanks
I’m surprised he spelled “skanks” right. If you spell this badly, can you actually hold down a job? How did he get one in the first place???
She needs to like experiment.
You are NOT experimenting on me!
I have a little girl she is 6 months old and she's the love of my life and who ever I meet will have to except her as wellIt’s “accept”, not “except.” Sometimes, being an English major is torture.
Oh, and I look much younger than my age! Go figure? I was carded up to my late 20's!
For 70, I’d say he looks great. Problem is, he looks every bit of 50.
not yet interested in putting anything in until I see some people on the site. after looking a day or two I would add information.
Translation: I’m going to steal my profile from some other guy.
Summer days you can find me at the lake tubing with my boys or riding in the woods, Or cursing the back roads on my street bike.
Goddamn, motherfucking, cock-sucking back roads. Oh—you meant cruising? Sorry.
I listed my body type as "stocky" but I'm very athletic swimming most days,play tennis twice a week and walk nightly and the mornings. As an example I'm a 42/44 jean. That would around 16-20 in woman sizing which is the normal size in the US for woman now a days.
Gee, thanks for that fascinating description of your athletic activity, your size, and what the average U.S. woman is size-wise. Sorry, but your profile doesn’t “fit” my needs! Bwahahahahaha!
my mate is happy about her shelf
I like my shelves too! In fact, you could say I have good “shelf-esteem.” Bwahahahahaha!
please have a brain or at least common sense, and a cute smile
Ladies, even if you don’t, I bet this guy would settle for a big rack and excellent blow job skills.
Adult fun with a woman who knows what her needs are..and is not afraid to tell her lover how to meet them! If you can host, are clean ddf, message me to find out if our needs are similar in nature. I need to be discreet.
Oh, hey! LOVE your profile picture. Oh wait—you don’t have one. Well, he did say he needs to be discreet. His relationship status says, “I’ll tell you later.” Hey buddy, this ain’t Ashley Madison.com.
I don't plan on shavin anytime soon!
Me too, guy. Me too. We have three weeks of winter left, but I bet I can get away with not shaving my legs for another six weeks yet.
Too many scams on this site. Too many women who are just in the country for 2 days and are in a hurry to get a husband, and too many women who don't have a subscription and who put their scam email or text number in their description.
And the award for the Most Positive Motherfucking Profile Ever goes to …
My match is someone who is not apposed to going out or sitting at home relaxing.
You’re not “apposed” to spell stuff that way.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Posting this for a reader. There are no YouTube videos of this band in it's original incarnation (which was more techno-oriented) so I picked a song that the band did back in the day, but one they are still playing.
Behold, Rhapsody in Wax performing "My Sweet Caffeine."
Behold, Rhapsody in Wax performing "My Sweet Caffeine."
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Gloria: What about bad boys?
Gloria: Ugh. If any guys are reading this, honestly, I don’t know why women are so excited about bad boys. I hate them. I guess if you want to bail a guy out of jail, and you like to be treated badly, and you love drama, then hey, go for it. But, ladies, don’t let me hear you crying because the guy is such a shithead. I had to block someone on Facebook, because she had a penchant for bad boys, and she was falling in and out of love every four weeks or so. She’d post memes that said, “Fuck Prince Charming, give me a bad boy with tattoos.” I had to block her, because I was tempted to say, “your appetite for bad boys is part of the reason why you’re in and out of love all the time.” I got tired of seeing the posts, because she really is a nice girl, but…
So I don’t know what the attraction is. Maybe women think they can save these guys, but I don’t want to fix anyone. I don’t want to be your mother. But being a nice guy doesn’t mean you have to be boring. And some nice guys ARE boring. You’ve got to be fun, you’ve got to know how to talk to me. In my case, that means asking me about myself, because hey, I’m an attention whore, and it IS all about me. There’s an important difference between a bad boy, and a gentleman with good manners who has a tiny bit of naughty in him. If you’re a nice guy, but you say or do something just a little bit provocative, it’s going to get our attention and we’re going to wonder, “what did he mean by doing/saying that?” You’ve got to make yourselves memorable in a way that makes us want you MORE, not less. Sending tacky texts like, “I’ve got the hot dog if you’ve got the bun” is just awful. If you want my body, you have to go through my mind. If it’s too much work, go fuck yourself.
Gloria: So you want an intellectual guy?
Gloria: Yeah, someone interested in learning. Someone who knows how to communicate. That’s so important with me. I was on plentyoffish.com this past summer and the guys who sent me one word messages I eliminated right off the bat. If “hello” or “hey” are the best you can do, you’re not going to be interested in me. Because I will talk circles around you. I will talk you into the ground.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Meme by Tim S.
Here are this week's winners!
I have lived in NC my entire life. Yes, I have a southern accent.
This is the LEAST impressive thing you’ve got going, buddy. Try working on an Italian accent. Domestic accents just don’t cut it.
Wow, he’s a top-notch typist—said nobody ever.
So tired of the woman waiting for a guy to make a pass when it's just as easy for a woman to say hey I would like to get to know you.
Well, if men didn’t hate me so much, and if I weighed 100 pounds and was gorgeous and had 40DD hooters, I’d make the first move. But I don’t, so I won’t.
Looking for someone who's not afraid to express themselves.Not into complainers!
So you basically want someone to express themselves, but only if you get to direct things? Sorry, I’m not into dictators. Or “dick taters”. Bwhahahahahahahahaha!
Birds learn to fly, never knowing where flight will take them.
Sometimes, it’s straight into a jet engine.
I believe you can laugh at things or cry, I would rather laugh
So if someone anally rapes you, you’d laugh?
Can't get enough? Book one available here:
Book two (February) will be coming out soon!