I usually cringe when I hear about shootings. It seems like they happen all too frequently. I wish I had the answer to stop them, but I don't. I don't think anyone does.
I've read some of the stuff Elliot Rodger has written and how bad he felt. One article cautioned that some of the stuff he wrote was pretty graphic. I've read some way out there stuff, and while reading it, I couldn't help but nod. Yup, I felt the same way. I wish I could have talked to this guy, and said, “yeah, I have the same problems, except with men.”
We all deal with stress in different ways. I guess for me, I've always written. That, and I've eaten. I've eaten when I was depressed, and because it tastes good. Men seem to pick up guns and start shooting.
I've been bullied, and I've been very hurt. I credit the bullying I was subjected to in middle and high school with totally fucking up my relationships with men. When you hear, “you're ugly, you have no chin,” over and over and over and over and over again, it destroys you a little. I got shit from girls up to a certain extent, but it was mostly the boys saying mean things to me, and it never really seemed to stop. Being a teenager wasn't that miraculous blooming process that a lot of girls go through. What happens when you're a teenage girl and you don't start developing until you're about sixteen or seventeen and you're ugly to boot? Well, all that wonderful boy-girl stuff doesn't happen for you. I was slender, very slender, but having an ugly face didn't work. I kept waiting for that wonderful transformation to happen. It never did. And the boys didn't look at me except to be mean to me, and men never really paid attention to me, or if they did, it was to put me down, and they still sort of do from time to time. Would they do that if I was young and thin and attractive?
So—I was never asked out in high school. My first date occurred at 21. The guy dumped me after three weeks. Why? Because I was a dumb shit and let him make out with me, and having no experience with men, thought that this was normal on the first, second and third date. Of course, he dumped me because I didn't fuck him.
I didn't get a boyfriend until I was 39. For a long time, I wondered what was wrong with me, and then, I fell into a period where I just said, “fuck it. I'll probably never meet anyone, so get on with your life.” And then I met my first boyfriend. Parts of the relationship were good, but I learned what I wanted and what I didn't want. I stayed with him for longer than I probably should have because I was afraid I'd never meet anyone like him for a long time. And I was right.
I wanted to say to the shooter, “I know how it feels. I know it hurts.” At least this guy seemed like he had advantages that I certainly didn't. It's sort of refreshing to realize that even having a father with a good job, and having advantages like being able to buy nice clothes and having a nice car (BMW) doesn't mean you'll be a hit with the ladies. I don't know if this guy was bullied by girls or not, but I understand the rage. I understand not knowing what you're doing wrong.
I associate men with pain and abuse—physical (I was hit over the head with an English workbook by a bully) verbal (you're ugly, you have no chin) and sexual (molested). So whenever I see a group of men, I avoid them. I dread having to deal with men in several situations. I've tried acting every which way I can—flirty, coy, aloof, cool, kind, friendly, and none of them worked. Yes, I've even tried being myself. That was the worst, because men don't like that either.
And I hate it when people ask, “have you tried women?” No, I haven't, because ALL of my crushes have been on men. And I really do believe all the good ones are taken. Pretty much all of my crushes have been on men who have been taken. It's not like I look for a ring or ask them if they are taken, then decide to have a crush on them. But it seems like the available men out there I'm not attracted to for several reasons. There are a lot of men who haven't grown up—they are video game addicts. Yeah, they might have full time jobs and even own their own homes, but you talk to them and it's all gaming, gaming, gaming. And a lot of those guys are exceedingly heavy. I like doing stuff like going to amusement parks, and skiing, and going out for walks. I don't want to get involved with a guy who just wants to sit around and stuff himself with junk food and watch movies or play video games. And the older I get, the worse it's going to get. Despite being 47, I seem to have more energy and feel younger than I have in years. I do a lot of things by myself. Sure, I have my “lazy” days, but there's going to come a day when I may not be able to do these things. I want to do them while I can, so I don't look back and say, “I wish I'd done those things while I could.” And it seems like guys my age look pretty grizzled. If YOU don't want to make an effort, why the hell should I?
So I feel sorry for this shooter. Elliot Rodger, I'm sorry. I don't agree with what you did, but I understand your rage. Our society makes a big deal about having a partner, and having sex way early, and if you can't get along with the opposite sex, you are seen as a loser. If people were a little nicer to each other, we wouldn't have as many problems as we do. But we're mean to each other. And we should be kinder to each other. Yes, it's hard some days. But we should all try a little harder. And to this day, I still feel like that insecure, picked-on teenage girl who was never, ever asked out in high school. My self-esteem has been destroyed, and I would like to come back to my next high school reunion looking amazing, so I can tell everyone who was mean to me to fuck off. I've never really learned how to get along with the opposite sex. I refuse to act stupid around them, or defer to them, or give them blow jobs in order to get them to like me. I'm just me, and they don't like that.
The rage never really goes away, I think.