Diaz Describes Dream Dude (In 4,700 words or less)

I'm taking advice (sort of) from a friend of mine. And I'm also sort of trying to balance things out. I know I usually post really negative stuff about men, but I don't think I've ever gone into any detail as to what I'd like in a guy. And boy, do I have details! You don't actually think I could sum up my ideal man in 500 words or less, do you? I mean, shit, I've written a novel! It's over 120,000 words! And it's my own Goddamn blog! I'll be as wordy as I want! But for you short attention span types, I'll break it up. Yes, I interviewed myself.

And yeah, I may never meet this guy, because I'm way picky, but after some of the idiots I've gone out with, I'm not settling. I know what I want, and if I can't get it, I'll live without it. The next guy (assuming there is one) better rock my world.

Anyway, here's part one (of several).

Gloria: So, what's your ideal man look like?

Gloria: Like a dude.

Gloria: You need to be a little more specific than that.

Gloria: Like John Krasinski…or Ron Livingston.

Gloria: Aren’t they married?

Gloria: Way to harsh my buzz, bitch. Okay fine, uh... between 5'7" and 6'3", dark brown hair, brown eyes...

Gloria: You sound like you're describing a rapist.

Gloria: Well, the last guy I asked out had a class D felony. I worked with someone who went on to murder someone at IPFW. Last year, I met a guy at the library who described himself as a date-rapist. So a straightforward rapist is a logical in-between.

Gloria: You want to date a rapist?

Gloria: No! YOU are the one who thinks I'm describing a rapist! Next question!

Gloria: You prefer dark haired, dark eyed men?

Gloria: (Sighing.) Yes, but I can be flexible. If he's blond, he needs to lean toward brown. If he looks like friggin Malibu Ken, forget it. I can't take super-blond men seriously. Plus, they’re scary. That guy who murdered that IPFW professor in the early 1990s? Blond, blue-eyed. Looked totally normal. I PREFER dark haired, dark eyed men, but as I said, I can be flexible.

Gloria: That's sort of harsh....don't you think? I mean, what if a blue-eyed, blond man asks you out and he has a Ph.D. in physics? Or chemistry?
Gloria: I’m gonna wonder how he got it. Listen, you. I remember when I was a little kid, blondes got everything. I resented that. My dolls were blonde. Blonde hair and blue eyes. Do you know how long it took for me to get a doll with dark brown hair and brown eyes? 

Gloria: I think you were about seven or so.

Gloria: Wrong! Jenny had blue eyes. I was well out of childhood when I finally got a dark haired, dark eyed doll.

Gloria: Okay--

Gloria: Oh wait. He's got to be clean shaven. I hate tattoos. And I don't want him to be pale. I'd like him to have a little color, but not be George Hamilton orange. And no piercings. I don’t want a guy who looks like a sieve. And no tattoos. I know it’s trendy and all, but I’d rather look at scars. I have a few of my own.

Gloria: (Wearily writing) must ...wear... sunscreen. Got it. Let's see, what else? Personality...

Gloria: Did you write down no piercings or tattoos? Seriously, those are like, deal-breakers. Unless….if the guy has a tattoo in a spot that’s covered most of the time… I suppose I could deal with it… but only if I think he’s Mr. Spectacular. But I’m still not going to like the fact that he has a tattoo.

Gloria: Yes, I wrote that down. How about personality?

To be continued ...


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