Another Installment of Dream Dude! (Part whatever of God only knows how many.)

Gloria: So what’s he really like?

Gloria: (Singing) I want a guy with a mind like a diamond, I want a guy who knows what’s best, I want a guy with shoes that cut, and eyes that burn like cigarettes. I want a guy with the right allocations, who’s fast and thorough, and sharp as a tack, he’s playing with his jewelry, he’s playing with his hair, he’s touring the facility and picking up slack….

Gloria: I want a guy with a short skirt and a looooong jacket.

Gloria: Not really. I mean, I don’t want a cross-dresser, or some fucking European prince, but I want someone interested in the world. I want someone who’s traveled, so we can compare places we’ve been and places we want to go. I want someone who can communicate well. If he knows a foreign language, that’s cool.* Foreign accents drive me wild.* He has to be well read.

He also has to be really intelligent, but also perceptive and sensitive. You can be the smartest guy in the world, but if you don’t have a clue, it can be seriously frustrating.

Gloria: Explain.

Gloria: Well, if I say I’ve had shitty experiences with men, that’s your cue to NOT BE SHITTY WITH ME. Amazing how so many guys fuck that up. I’ve known maybe one guy to be sympathetic when I’ve said that. It’s like if you say you have erectile dysfunction, how would you feel if I laughed at that? Or said it’s probably something you’re doing wrong? You’re going to be pissed and say I’m an insensitive bitch. If we’re friends, I’m going to feel bad for you, but your erection problems have no bearing on our friendship. Now, if we are going to be intimate, yeah, the erectile dysfunction is something we are going to have to deal with.

You’re going to have to understand that because you’re a guy, I’m going to assume you’re an asshole until you prove yourself otherwise. Yeah, it’s unfair. Yeah, you’re dealing with decades of me having to deal with shitty behavior from men, starting with my asshole brother, and guys who were mean to me throughout school and beyond. If you’re not going to be patient, and not work your ass off to convince me YOU really ARE a nice guy, there’s the door. I’m tired of the nonsense. I’ve tried acting nice, sweet, flirty, bitchy, cool, reserved, aloof, warm, standoffish, interested, disinterested, and myself, and nothing works. NOTHING. Well, I didn’t try acting slutty, but I’m not doing that. So I’m going to be myself, even though that doesn’t work either. I refuse to waste my time. It’s too bad you have to deal with my bad history with men, but I didn’t come out of my mother’s womb thinking men are assholes. If you want me, you’ve got to earn it. And if that’s too much to ask for, too damn bad. I struggle with this all the time, and I hate it. You may not understand why I think men hate me, you probably won’t have a solution as to why, but please just be patient with me. I’m honestly tired of doing my hair and makeup, and picking decent outfits, and being all bubbly and positive, and you STILL just blow me off, or you’re rude to me. As the kids say, I’m all out of fucks to give. And I’m bad at clues. If you want to be my friend, or if you want to be more than friends, you’d better be pulling out your best verbal/body language/flirting tricks and putting on a performance.

*Blame Dad for this one.


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